I used to beat a family dog years ago as a teenager. I was really...

fucked up from a hard childhood and always on the verge of a psychotic break, always pushed around and felt like a loser and exposed to anger and slowly started turning a little more crazy a part of me wanted to see what would happen if terrible things happened to something that seemed "pure", or unthinkable of experiencing it. I used to choke the small dog we had, that we got as a puppy for me and the family and I even named, i choked it with a leash and watched it beg me to stop and twitch around, and then did it some more. It went from one of me best pals, to just another member of the house, to scared of me and avoiding me. when I was older, like 16 to 17, I would punch the dog all over, hard shots to see the damage I could inflict, I would put on boxing gloves and hit it hard in the body and the head trying to cause damage or knock it out, seeing what would happen. I was pretty depressd and angry and crazier then, and wanted to see beauty turn ugly, I don't know why. I write this at least 6 years later, no longer living in that house, and fucking DISGUSTED with myself. I have done quite a few things i regret in life, but that is really one of the only things I wish i could take back, i BEG I COULD TAKE IT BACK. I'm so sorry. I think I even gave it some brain damage, and scarred it for life, but luckily it has a mate and some puppies and seems to enjoy itself when playing with them. I was a really good person up until those ages after starting middle school and being around some real pieces of shit, and the drama of transitioning into adulthood and wanting to be the man and some bigshot. I don't even care about heaven or hell cuz i don't believe in that, but these terrible acts Ive committed against such a beautiful creature who wanted love and trusted me, it eats me up inside. Not too long after I experimented with DXM and it changed my life and made me really want to be good. Now I'm trying to change my old ways and get rid of the evil inside of me, and the psychopathic animal(s) that were made in response to the negative things happening to me. I want to be a hero and protect people and animals. It breaks my heart to see suffering, particularly domesticated animals who should be able to trust the humans who selected them. Im consistently a pretty nice person, but I feel like a hypocrite because of what I've done. I went to visit that house 3 years ago and that was the only dog that remembered me, and was still scared, but greeted me nervously with licks as i petted it gently. If I could go back in time for ANYTHING, I would meet my 13 year old self, and 16-17 year old self or whatever bad self that hurt that poor dog, and fuck myself up, then give some good wisdom and advice to get through hard times, and to be strong and love, and NEVER TAKE IT OUT ON THOSE WHO HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. I have kept it inside, and probably would've died with it, I don't know if i'll ever tell someone this directly. How could I? Everyone who knows me thinks I'm such a great guy and knows I had it rough, but if i were to say the cruel things i did to a dog I WAS RAISING, they would probably never talk to me again. I feel like why I'm suffering now in life is how i procrastinated becoming a man, but I had shitty examples, and i didn't even care if i lived or died when i was 12 up to then...even now, I still deal with apathy to living and serious depression, lately it's been literrally twice as bad as before. But I remember the pain i've cause, and in turn the pain I have given myself on top of what life has, and It's just not in me to hurt innocent life anymore. Even insects, I will try to remove safely from the house, I hate bullying, and I want to save so many people who suffer. This isn't to make myself feel good about myself for being such a fuck, but it's the realization of the effects of abuse and pain and violence. what happened to me (not that i was beaten by my caregivers or molested i don't think) Instead of taking it up with the people responsible, I went for an easy "target", and became part of the problem, spreading out that ugly energy into the world. I WISH, I WISH SOOOO BAD, that the dog could be as happy and loved as it would've been without me. I wish i wasn't born, I wish the dog could kick my ass just as bad, I'm going to be in situations where i fight willing people...part of me hopes they punish me and deliver my karma and that the dog somehow knows, or to see what karma has in store for me (even knowing how serious brain damage is and can be now, which i didn't really know back then) the dog is like 11 years old, with a lifespan of 12-16 years. I hope it still managed to have, and will have a happy life before it dies with the suffering i gave it. Nobody ever knew except me, You probably all think I'm a monster, and still a monster who can never take such things back, and wish harm to me. I wish harm on myself, I'm a fucking mess. Even as great as a person I aspire to be, and something of a role model later, I have really fucked up. I'm desperate to be forgiven I guess, and to know that it's all gonna be okay, and that I am suffering before I cause it to others. I no longer get a sick thrill out of dominating or bullying life, or watching beautiful turn ugly, and I don't take any shit or let others have to if i'm there. it was a small "lap dog" type for those wondering, and a girl. I hope the next life it has, is one of the happiest ever experienced by a living being, that would be what she deserves, and i probably deserve an equally hard life, hopefully not fucking up and hurting good people and animals. it breaks my heart, and i can't stop thinking about it. I dont know what i'm supposed to do at the moment. How much of life is free will and how much is destiny, was I meant to feel and be good, to be bad, to gain some experience or insight to be good again, and to make a huge positive difference in the world? Am I stuck in an acid trip hallucinating an incorrect reality as I "go" interacting with stimuli? It has made me a lot more understanding to people who do bad things, and determined to be as good of a person as i can be, no matter how terrible i feel and how much i suffer and how empty and worthless i feel and towards life. So yeah...that's my confession. hopefully this won't keep making me increasingly depressed and harm myself, not that any of you would care because all you know about me is those piece of shit things i did. I don't deserve it, but please wish me luck and strength, i dont want my life to be a waste or wasted on bad things, when there is so much good and inspiration I can cause or be a part of, and make this world a better place.

By Anonymous on General,