I had sex with my wife before I married her, and I beat up the woman I was having an affair with and her dog out of anger. Afterwards I went back to my spot on the curb behind the 7-11, drunk, playing country music hoping for change. I started taking the Lord’s name in vain against this man who didn’t give me change, and I beat up his kid. He didn’t do anything, and was worried his wife might find out, who was still in the car. I said I wouldn’t tell if he paid me. And he did. So when his wife came out, she was stunning and I wanted her. Instead, I stole from her. Surprisingly, she had cocaine on her. I started selling it once she was gone, but one guy didn’t pay so I chased after him and killed him. I had no intention of forgiving him. My wife found me doing this and promptly divorced me. So out of envy (I still wanted her for my own), I pantsed her in front of everyone! That turned me on somehow. Pants around the ankles. I bought a lot of stuff online using fake credit card numbers, then went to the gay bar and had quite the time. I realized I hated everyone in Uganda and I wanted their food, so I killed every last one of them. After that I hacked into an ATM with illegal software and got a lot of money. I went to my sister’s home, and noticed she was in the shower. So I walked right in and had sex with her, forcefully. I lied and said I was still married to make it feel more exciting. Needless to say, she was very uncomfortable, but I loved her. At that point I started to lose faith in God and still felt horny, so I jacked off. However, I looked in my neighbor’s yard and saw a little girl. So I went over and had sex with her, after peeing on their lawn. Then my hoes (you know, hookers) saw some gays and even though I had a little stint I hated them all and thought they were all horrible people who couldn’t talk normally. I asked God, “what kind of cruel God would allow such horrible people in our world?” So I ran over a squirrel and proudly displayed it to everyone as my new God. I spilled a drink, but I was too lazy to clean it up. I flipped on “Jeopardy!” but I couldn’t get any answers right because I was too stupid, so in the name of Satan I began trashing the house. I found some TOP SECRET documents by chance while doing so, and in spite I turned it over to the French.
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