"I have a problem.
I have had many girlfriends in my life, but I only ever passionately fell head-over-heels in love with one.
We met 15 years ago, when I was in my late 20s and she was in her early 20s. We were simply perfect for each other, we loved each other, and we would definitely have got married if it wasn't for one major problem. She was already married and had a small child. When her stupid religious parents learnt she was pregnant, they forced her to marry against her will. This was to save face and stop their family being shamed. By doing that, her parents ruined her life, and maybe mine.
We were only together for about one year, but what an intense and passionate year for both of us. We were best friends. We made each other laugh. We made love incessantly, it was the best sex I had ever had and to this day it still remains the best I have ever had.
I begged her to leave her husband and come to me. I promised her the world. I would have had no problem being a father to her child. Money shouldn't be a problem no matter how rich or poor a couple is, but I was actually quite well off, so money was definitely not a problem. I told her I would do whatever it took to be with her. We could start again in a new city. I could completely change my life. I didn't care, all I wanted was to be with her. Actually, I was a little bit too desperate. Ok, maybe quite a lot too desperate! But I had never felt such passion before.
She very nearly did it. We even looked around at houses and child care. We talked about it. But the family and religious pressure was too strong. Her parents (and her husband's parents) found out. They had a "meeting", like an intervention, and threatened her. It shits me that no-one (except me) cared about her happiness, they only cared about "what the neighbours will say" and how they look to their friends. Talk about fucked up priorities (excuse the language). She disappeared. I desperately tried to find her, but she ran away from it all.
After we broke up we had no absolutely no contact for a few years, but then somehow it started again. Now we see each other about once or twice a year, but when we do we almost always end up making love passionately. I don't penetrate her, but we do everything but. Maybe that's my way of convincing myself I'm not doing something wrong. It's the best sex I've ever had. There's just something about her. She's not the hot little thing she was 15 years ago, but she's still very attractive and I just don't care what she looks like. She gives me the most intense orgasms I've ever had, and I do the same for her. She literally screams out loud, grabs the sheets and curls her toes when she cums. We joke that we "use each other for sex", but we know it is a joke. I feel this might go on our whole lives, our attraction is so strong. Maybe I'll still be making love to her when we are in our 60s? Who knows. My feelings when I am with her are just as strong as they ever were. Strangely, when I am NOT with her, I don't think about her much, I have a completely separate life to lead.
She is still married to this dweeb who got her pregnant all those years ago. Their marriage is totally loveless. Apart from her shitty "husband", who treats her like crap, I'm the only man she's ever slept with. Other guys chase her and she's had a few dabbles, but she says she's already had enough drama and problems in her life, so she doesn't go through with it. She "sleeps" with her husband but she just grins and bears it as her "duty". She hates having sex with him. She says it hurts. They actually sleep in separate beds and are like housemates, not husband and wife. They now have three children. At one stage she thought the middle child could be mine, but it isn't (much as I sometimes wish it was). I know it's very wrong, but we both fantasize about him somehow dying. But that would be taking away the kids' father, and I wouldn't want that.
This is not my only problem. There's more.
I met another girl, and very very slowly over seven years we have become boyfriend and girlfriend. She thought were were in a relationship from the start, but for me it took a lot longer. But now, today, I think she's lovely. She's wonderful. She does everything you could possibly ask a girlfriend to do. BUT - there's something missing. A spark, a passion. I don't know what it is. But it's missing. This girl ticks all the boxes, but doesn't tick the X-factor box. She hasn't got the je ne sais quoi. But we're really close. We understand each other, she knows everything about me and I know everything about her. We've been through a lot together. We go places as a couple. We ARE a couple. Maybe I am being unfair and way too picky. This girl has done everything right and I was actually not that nice to her at the start, but over time we become very very solid together, and my feelings for her grew. My feelings for her are somewhere half way between those of a boyfriend for his girlfriend, and those of a brother for his sister. I know that sounds creepy, but all I am trying to say is that there is a strong element of platonic friendship and protection there, as well as a healthy dose of sexual attraction. But not the unbridled passion I experienced with the first girl.
After seven years, and now that I am in my mid 40s (God that sounds so old), it's definitely time to ask the second girl to marry me. It's overdue in fact. She wants kids, and so do I. I know I'll never be with the first girl.
But I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I still secretly see the first girl once or twice a year. Seeing her while I am boyfriend with the second girl is the act of an asshole, I know that. But seeing her while I am married? Way worse. I SHOULD end it with the first girl and marry the second girl. But I am terrified the passion associate with the first girl will return (or never leave).
I don't know what to do. I'm wracked with guilt."