"I Don't Have An Appetite Anymore
I don't like to eat much anymore. I just don't want to or like the taste of some food and it put me off when we found maggots in the papaya and I end up complaining to the company and falling asleep and the maggots were all over me when I get home after online study school. Its the end of the night and I ate half a cheese cracker with cayanne pepper, that stuff is like my new drug of choice and two peaches. I just finished a few bottles of water and tea. Other than that, I don't really eat. breakfast is just always 1 quater of a cup of cooked oats and some fruit like grated apple or peaches or seeds. I don't do it to get skinny I don't really care how I look, its just that I feel ill a lot of the time like my body wants to reject some foods naturally and they say starving yourself is good for longitivity and diabetess and so I have these flush out days where I drink heaps and heaps of water and just a few specialized detox things but I just can't eat in the heat so I eat small bits in intervals . My stomach may want food, but I don't. I haven't ate much in the past two or three weeks. we rarely eat christmas day puddings and deserts. we buy them but don't eat them. I don't think this is considered anorexia, but how should I know. I have only studied nutrition for the last 4 or more years, so its so basic unless you have phd in everything right. I'm too sad and depressed to eat more now and then I have a splurge on 2 mini spring rolls or a half pork sandwich for lunch and once in a blue moon i go to macca and that sort of thing, I felt guilty in the heat the other day buying a mountain dew icey drink for a $1 and I hope I don't get sent food treats and chocolate again. I like the the private psychiatric hospital I used to go to. Those places are sacred and they just make sure you are talking to them or police call so i don't kill yourself here, as if i would, and they don't understand my sadness without a man and child at the age of 45 no one does understand my pain. only last night i had to turn a huge queen size mattress over with the help of me old mum of 79 cuz there is never some bastard fucking male to help me when i need help. the mongrel fucking bastards may all there souls rot in hell, I am a regular 46 year old woman who has no job and no man and no kids who sleeps in a cat chuck and piss and shit bed in poverty and don't want to know people after being attacked so much. So technically, they don't really care to help you even though it's their job. Well that's my confession, I don't like to eat anymore and I don't like being around people an I don't like being too nice too many people, I have a chip on my shoulder about everything so don't stir me up or you will verballed down and I am a strong woman who does weight lifting and I can control my anger and lust better then every woman on this earth. I am so powerful and fat and ugly and old and angry at the world, my neighbors know I hate them, their evil satanic ways will roost with them and their graves even though it's been making me sick they don't care sometimes I want to scream at them all "would some fucking asshole bastard get off their ass and help me with some thing here like move some furniture I can't do it all since I was in hospital , I don't care enough to try and fix it. so the church and shit and piss stay there, the bed really gets changed cuz all the queen sheets fall off the bed and I just stay in bed all day every day studying but for the days I am at the gym or hospitals or seeing therapy and medical treatments. so there is only so much a woman can do. and I never asked for all the spastics in my life and joyce is the spaz cuz she could have been the star expert witness in the court and put that pedo to jail but she chose not to which begs the question why? was isabelle his kid, god knows joyce would fuck anything? maybe that was why she had a hate for me and rose and took all her shit out on us. by god she must have done him cuz he must have been hitting 80 or more when isabelle was born, maybe he was someone elses sprogdog? anyway, joyce missed her staring moment of a win win situation cuz she always wanted everything with her as a her win me lose situation where as I was taught at legal studies and school and business and law and reolution and arbitration you strive for a win win, even in church schools that was what we were taught with ethical or spiritual matters or fighting in class. you know its not my fault that i am sick and sometimes I can't eat. I get this spasm pain that makes me feel like I am choking on my food. I have had that since I was assaulted with a sharp instrument pushed down my throat as a child, I have my period and I am tired. I sometimes feel more hungry when I go to the gym in winter but summer, food is not my popular past time. sleeping is and air coniditioning and studying. Iast night I was studying up until 1pm and I fell asleep studying. today is my birthday and I am going out this afternoon. I don't even want cake or sweet things. last night I had a few fudges, I love nougat and fudge but can only eat a small cube I cut the cubes in half they are too big and too sweet. I can drink over 10 liters of water to flush out everything and it helps my heart pain ease the throat spasms ease up. "