men are lazy, todays man is a lazy pitiful example of whatnot! years ago they had to arrange meetings and ask the parents of the women for a meeting and they have a debutante event and they would both check for mutual affections today, people are like animals. the world is stupid! people don't talk and communicate normally anymore. maybe I watched too many regency romance and expected men be decent and treat women better. I just think the world is mad mad mad. I just want to fit in somewhere. I am sick of this I really could murder someone. I am sick of stepping aside for "fuckers" women and men "fuckers" useless at anything else but fucking wasting my time and useless to society and I think I need to copy some of the deathly killing types I met and just go around doing it back to everyone I can get my hands on!

UGH. Freaking out in front of my boss/boss's boss. Of course. Because even though I'm just a cashier, even though this is my first real job, I still take everything too darn seriously. I wish I could tell my boss that he's a darn good boss, even if I'm always cowering and cringing because I'm scared to death of him. And I like all my coworkers too, but there's no way to tell them without looking like a kiss up. This is going to be more of a, "Everyone in my life is great, I'm just an incompetent fool when it comes to telling them" thing. How lucky am I, right? I've got a job I enjoy and great coworkers to boot. But even though I do well, I still feel hopelessly inadequate. Like I have to prove myself. My parents love me very much. They say they're proud of me. But I still feel like I'm letting them down. My grades are close to perfect. I'm making my own money, albeit they think cashiering is below their darling daughter's level. Still, it pays the bills. Where am I falling short? And then there's AM/IC. Gah. In my fiveish years of adolescence, I've done nothing but criticize kids like me falling in love. And by God, now I've gone and done it. But of course, I'd be failing him too. He's incredibly talented (at everything). He's (much, much) older. He's gotten a chance to live, and I haven't really yet. I have nothing to offer. I always told myself that I'd stay out of relationships until I was secure with myself, because I didn't want to risk going around trying to find someone to "complete" me. If I'm not whole by myself, what good am I to anyone? Worst of all, he's supremely kind. I don't think he's got a malicious bone in his body. And here I am. I'm the mean one. All my friends say I'm the first to dislike someone. It's kinda a joke now. I'm so quick to be a jerk; I've never seen him snub anyone, no matter how irritating. And I finally found a college, I think. After I finish my A.A. next semester, I think I'll be shipping off eight hours away. It's about a year away. In the back of my mind, I'm saying, "Tell him while you can." There's no friendship to destroy. At the most, the awkwardness would only last until January 2014. Then, I'm out of his life, probably for good. And run the risk that he likes me too, and then I have to go away. Rocking. Honestly wish that people would be upfront with me rather than sub me. I mean like damn why can't you just be like hey I don't like you rather than just make subs ? I don't get it. Then it be the same folks that are like I'm so honest and blah blah blah I don't get it. And to Be honest I've done nothing wrong nothing. I guess it's time to just sit back and watch rather than participate.

UGH. Freaking out in front of my boss/boss's boss. Of course. Because even though I'm just a cashie...

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