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10 years ago, I raped a 12 year old girl and hurt her badly. At the time I enjoyed it, now I'm disgusted with myself.

AbuseSex
10 years ago, I raped a 12 year old girl and hurt her badly. At the time I enjoyed it, now I'm disgusted with myself.
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Incest, abortion. AM I doing the right thing? I'm pregnant with my son's baby - and yet I'm happy. Please, don't ridicule me or say anything harsh. I know I've made mistakes. I did things that I thought were smart but weren't. I can't un-ring the bell. I'm writing here for advice, and maybe to explain myself. I was foolish and got married at age 18 and had my son, Drew (not his real name) when I had just turned 19. I thought I was in love but I learned early on that my husband was cheating on me. Also, he could be abusive emotionally and even borderline physically. When I thought Drew was in danger, I left my husband, divorced him, and went on my own. My pride got in my way so I didn't go to my parents for help even when the alimony and child support checks failed to arrive. It was a struggle, but I completed my degree, got a job and took care of my baby son. In the early days he had a crib, but as he got older I could not afford a bed for him. So we shared a bed but there was nothing ever, ever sexual. We would both sleep in pajamas and when he was little he would sleep with his little stuffed dog. As he got older, we would talk, but it was always about things that we were doing, what time I had to be to work, or he had to be to Little League or soccer or how school was going. That sort of thing. I will say that as he got older we did become more casual about nudity and if one of us was in the shower while the other was brushing teeth or whatever, or maybe going to or from the bathroom from our rooms, we might see each other naked. I look back at this and wonder if I wasn't too tolerant, but again, he was dating girls - although at his age it rarely lasted long - and it seemed so normal and non-sexual. I would also sometimes see him - even in my bed - with an erection (and I accidentally went into his room a couple of times and caught him masturbating) but even when he was in my room with a b**** the talk was not sexual and I just assumed it was the result of the normal hormones of a teenage boy. Things crossed the line when he was almost 17. We had a very bad patch. For his part, he was hurt by a girl he really liked - but I admit that I probably didn't take his hurt as seriously as I should have. The problem I was having was that I guy I had been seeing broke up with me and at about the same time I lost my job, we had some car trouble. It seemed like everything in my life was going wrong again. We were short of cash again and I was scared and tired. One night he heard me in the shower crying my eyes out. I just couldn't take it anymore. He heard me and got into the shower with me and held me. I should have stopped it right then and there, but for the first time in a long while I felt safe and it felt so good to be held by someone who loved me and we started to kiss. I should not have, I knew I should not have, but I gave in. I suddenly realized that I not only loved my son, but that I was in love with my son. He is mature for his age, but he was only 16 and that shows too. One minute he seems like a man, the next minute a boy, but I was so scared and so lonely and he was so loving and gentle and so we began a sexual relationship. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't tell him right away. I was terrified about how he would react, and I was terrified about how it would impact our relationship and how he would do in school. A million thoughts raced through my head but when I did jin up the courage to tell him I was totally surprised by his response. I thought he would freak out, but instead he was thrilled. He was so happy. He kept saying, "I'm gonna be a dad. Really!!!?? I'm gonna be a dad. Mom I love you so much!!!" I've never seen him smile so much and then he started to cry out of sheer happiness. I didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified. So we went along for a bit, but I kept worrying about how this would effect Drew. He was so happy, but I was worried that it would effect his plans for college and his future. I've been so lucky. I've done the Internet searches and I am so blessed. Drew's grades are good, he has friends. By all rights he should be so messed up but he isn't. He is just a happy kid in school who is thrilled that he is going to be a daddy. When he comes home he'll kiss me and then bend down to my belly and say, "Hi Junior," - he keeps calling the baby "Junior," though we just found out we are expecting a boy - "This is your daddy, and I love you with all my heart!!!" I actually don't believe in abortion, but knowing how much this baby could adversely effect my son's future I considered at one point having an abortion, but when I told him I was thinking about it we had several serious discussions and he was dead set against it. What finally totally stopped me was when, in a really heated argument, he said to me, "Mom, you don't get it. I'm going to be the dad I never got to have." I was stunned and realized I could not abort this baby. Besides, as time has worn on, I realize that I want this baby for all the right reasons. It's a precious little life no matter the circumstances of his birth. He is a beautiful gift that my son has given to me by sharing his naked body with me. It's not good circumstances, but I've come to think of it as beautiful and I want to have this baby to share something beautiful with my son. So we've decided a few things. 1) Fatherhood or no, my son will go to college, though we have not worked out yet if he is going to be dorm resident - because I want him to have the whole college experience - or as a commuter. When I insisted that he go to college, he said, of course, because he was going to provide a good living for his son. I was so proud of him. My son will graduate from high school in early June, turn 18 in late June and the baby is due in August, so I think we can make this work. 2) We've decided not tell my doctor who the father is. I just told my doctor that it was a man who I didn't want in my baby's life and I asked if Drew could be present at the birth. The doctor said that was unusual, but he thought it could be worked out. My son is thrilled but I'm a bit nervous that the doc might figure out that the baby's father is my 17 year old son. Should I be worried? 3) What I am worried about is that we are not getting some of the special testing that the baby needs. This worries me. I know there is a very real chance that the baby will have birth defects but I don't know how to get him tested beyond the normal prenatal tests. So far all my examinations seem to be showing everything normal, but I'm worried. Does anyone know how I might get the additional tests I need? Please help me. 4) I know I've made some serious mistakes, but I need to know what someone out there, someone who does not know me and can see things from the outside, thinks about how I've handled this. Did I do the right thing not having an abortion? The baby seems so important to my son - and he wants so much to be a dad. I know that, in many ways that is just a boy romanticizing the father he never had, but he is also mature for his age, he is keeping his grades up and has many friends, both guys and gals, I think it would hurt him so deeply to abort the pregnancy. Am I right? 5) Most of all, my son and I continue to have a sexual relationship and I plan, so long as he wants it to continue to have s** with him. Partly, I won't lie, it is because I want it. I need to feel him and be close. I know this

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PrideAbuseHate