just feeling like life is hopeless. was supposed to go out yesterday to a show and today to a show and I was so tired and I woke up with really bad back pain and I was thinking "Oh just go you will only ache in the back at home, why not ache in the back out for a while looking at other things meeting new people" but I was like "I have nothing to wear" I feel so ugly and fat and why should I bother, I said to mum I think I will get so fat I can only fit into a huge robe towel only and just watch every bitch who has abused me wear all my pretty clothes and self punishment and penance that the bayside family christain church said I had to go through penance for the abuse in my childhood. so I guess I have to set my punishment daily ! and I told my nephew/god son to never speak to me again cuz the publishing company from filiofuckoland kept calling every time I spoke to my nephew and this was offending and freaking me out. and I also told the churches and nuns "we won't be back I got the message about warbrokes bastard whore kid walking over me" and my resentment is as strong as ever towards the catholics at st mary;s ipswich and carmelites because silence never helped me and they were abusive to my father at their job network anyway. and I just feel the catholic church blantantly obviously let me down compared to their helping my sister and brother and I told them so!