since I was sick I sort of feel strange about my faith with god, I did feel a sense of something with me when I have been sick but to be honest I am just thinking "god is a bastard with a bad sense of humor" and the churches really are a farse, I like the stability of church and all but feel like I don't fit in or not accepted, unliked, unwanted there or used. its like they want all or nothing from me. and I can't be like the nuns I am human and want a husband I thought a while about being a nun only because the school asked us to think about those things but I was like I don't think I can live up to this. yet look at the silly way I live. not allowed love, no allowed this or that. its stupid. I have less faith in humans and less in what is beyond now. when I have seen all my dreams ruined. my life ruined when I wanted better things and marriage when I was 23 and not want joyce wanted for me. not ken and other idiots. I have lost faith in good manners and good will and humanity more. I think some people are born to be evil while others exercise more inner strength and its why they find themselves alone a lot, I have probably hurt people I wish I could hurt a lot of people I wish I could have more nasty words to people like they have had for me most of my life. if I could get my hands on a few of those asshole ambulance jerks I would spit on them. a few of them are in the wrong jobs and have no kindness and no caring about them you can tell they hate their job so why bother doing it then? I would put a few who were rude in a war zone, they should be polite to patients feelings. I thought a few were complete vulgar scum with their rude verbal statements. it won't win favour from me like russo didn't with her evil antics she is evil. that woman is evil. she is so evil she should be hung like mussolini.