im trash

im addicted to diazepam, sometimes i take it with vodka.. i have killed kittens just because i hate them, but sometimes i feel good doing so.. i get excited when im killing them.. im bulimic, i cheat my wife with other two womans.. i lie a lot, im addicted to work and have suicidal tendences.. i think this is i would do some day.. not without killing someother people before. i like to steal stuff just for fun, i dont like helping people.. i think im not believing in god so much lately, yesterday i put a knife on my arm just to feel it.. but i didnt cut myself.. yet. i hate my family, i hate myself, i hate you all.
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A friend from our hometown is visiting my fiancee and I in Seattle this weekend. Let me give context to this story by letting you know that our friend is very well off right now. He alone makes more than my fiancee and I do put together and we consistently have to ask out families for help with rent because our jobs are so low paying. Today, while my guy was at work, our friend decided he wanted to buy him a guitar as a belated Christmas present at a pawn shop. He had no hesitations about dropping over $200 on him. As we were walking back to our apartment we joked about what my expensive Christmas present was going to be. Later, the three of us were wandering around the shops in the area my fiancee works in and I started fawning over a pair of boots I cannot afford. I have lived here for a year and a half and I have yet to have enough savings to buy myself a pair of waterproof shoes of any kind. I lamented with my fiancee over the price for a moment, and then we moved on. In the next shop, our friend offered to buy me a cheap hat for Christmas when I wasn't showing much interest. I neither expected, nor wanted him to offer to buy me the boots, but being offered something I'm not interested in (that is 1/8th of the price of what he got for my fiancee) after just seeing me fawning over $100 boots that I very much want and need hurt me. It felt like a very clear "I like him this much and I like you this much" situation. And now I feel like a selfish golddigger for being so upset about it.

A friend from our hometown is visiting my fiancee and I in Seattle this weekend. Let me give context...