🔥 i4giveu

flert.....

AbuseStupidityBeing drunkSex
it happend a lot to me ... i flert with guys on msn or sms... we both know it will lead to SEX, but at the end i get cold feet and dont meet up with the guy... im too shy to do it... even if i r-e-a-l-y want the guy...
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I dont know where to start. I know I have been trying my best but my worst always comes out. I wake up everyday feeling like a failure. What did I do to deserve this? I came from a horribly broken family. Got placed under my aunt's wing where she treated me worse than her maid. Their dog has a better childhood than me.I was depressed growing up. I wanted to die. I wanted to slice up my wrist and just let the blood flow out and die. I wanted to run away as far as I can. But, I never did. One night I woke up from my sleep and just couldn't breathe. I thought the devil have come to take my soul. I asked him, yes. I got tossed between my paternal siblings, where to live each time. They didn't want me and yet they stole me under my mom's wing. They took me away while my mom was out of the house. She did not know. They stole me, and yet they dont love me. I never knew what a normal childhood felt like. I grew up in fights at school, playing with sticks, leaves, dirt and stones at the back corner of the house, outside. I hide outside when my Aunt and his family is at home. It didn't felt like I belong. Being alone outside was enough for me. A little peace before my Aunt would dictate my chores throughout the days. My cousins are out playing with friends, playing with video games, watching tv etc. I was scrubbing the canal at the side of the street in front of my Aunt's house. I was wiping the windows, mopping the tiles on the floor, scrubbing the dogs "menstrual" leaks around, pulling weeds aropund the house, picking dead leaves off the plants and ground, wiping every figurine or house decor there is. At the end of the day, I have done half of the maid's job as she sit somewhere doing who knows what. My hands are not baby soft. I was late to school because I do chores before I go. I do chores after I come home. Ive stolen money from them. I watched them give my cousins 20 -50 peso while I have 5 peso. I stole from them. I was jealous. I took 100 peso off their wallets and I have been caught so many times and I have been punished for it. I didn't care. But they never understood me. They never got the message and to them, I'm just a bad child who doesn't know how to learn and be good. My Grandfather sent me money from the US and my dad would keep it. Telling me he'd save it for me. He used it for his cigarettes and beers. All i got was a cake and a soda. I was grateful. I loved my dad despite all these. He was the only thing left in my life who cares. He just loves his cigarettes and beers more. But ill take it, when everyone else is just faking it. I grew up with a broken heart. A sad and heavy heart. I was sad all throughout my life. I was sad how my life became this way. I was sad how it all started. I dont even know why my mom and dad where fighting in the first place. All I know is either my mom cheated with a taxi driver. I have this memory of my mom and me rising this taxi with this driver. And it felt like the longest drive ever. Where were we going? Ive forgotten but I remember they were talking like theve known each other for a while. And my dad, all I know is that he is a drunk. And the cause of their fights are either there's no money or that my mom couldn't wait to go to Hawaii (my grandparents petitioned us). Shortly after, my mom went abroad to work and she left us and never looked back. She never came back for me to save me from my relatives who used me and betrayed me. I was a shy kid. I never could laugh my ass off anywhere because it's seen as too vulgar. I never got to be myself. My dream all my life is to be free from my relatives. And it came true. We arrived in the states and I was away from them. Or so I thought. Things from your past always has a way to come back to you. I get nightmares of my Aunt slapping me, beating me up, pulling my hair and just dragging me across the floor. I remember when she used to do these things to me. I felt destroyed. I couldn't get away from her even when I did physically do. Life in the US was hard to get adjusted to. It was a different culture. I get to live with my dad and grandparents for the first time. It wasn't rainbow and flowers either. We lived in this tiny little room. I slept on the floor next to the dressers, infront of the backdoor next to the computer desk and the dining table. My dad slept on a folding bed outside at the garage next to boxes of who knows what and next to a car. It wasnt fabulous but I'll take this over living with my Aunt any day. I was living with strangers. Again. Never felt close and normal to these people. They felt that and it cause problems. They would argue over me not smiling as much, not being peppy as much, not being friendly as much. Ive been kept well shut off all my life and adjusting to be a normal person isn't that easy. Ive told my grandparents about the mistreatment my Aunt and other relatives have done to me and all they told me is to pray about if and forgive them. It troubled me that they didn't even blinked an eye. If you knew that someone had fault to your family, you come and save them. THEY KNEW. They knew all about the doings of their children and have said nothing. And to this day, I hate them for it. I grew up, worked hard to build myself again. Finished highschoool, and graduated college for Associates. I dont know what to do with my life. My dad wont let me move out until I get married. I can't do anything unless he approves. Im twenty-six years old and Im affraid of my dad. Im scared that if I do go decide to be on my own, and fail. Im scared of failure. I dont know what to do with my life. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. Im so sad that with me, he wont have a good life. I want to be better, for him and for us in the future. The future of happiness and away from all my problems. Dad: "are you going to do your laundry?" Me: huh? no ill just do it this afternoon. Why? Dad: IM JUST ASKING!!! This conversation started this rant. I dont know why he would just talk like that. It felt like he was disappointed in me or annoyed of me. Dear dad, When you talk to me like that it hurts me. Im not sure if youre annoyed. Sometimes you talk to me nicely and I think that's better. Im always affected by you andit's not heallthy. I would like to be away from you now as much as I love you, I feel like Im destroying my life. I love you. To my boyfriend Christian, You are the best person even when I tell you that youre stupid. Im sorry for always letting you down. It's what I do. I wish I was better. I wish I was better so I could do things for you. I wish I make you happy. Im grateful for you loving me even at my weakest and lowest of lows. Thank you for loving me for the times I told you I dont want you anymore. Thank you for loving me the times I dont love myself. You deserve better and I hope you find the person that can do better than me. I love you. To everyone else who tried to understand me but gave up anyway, Thank you and Im sorry for not saving myself, for not trying hard enough with you. To my bestfriend Gemma, I love you. You were my saving grace all my life. You were my backbone, my shoulder to cry on, my wall to help me stand up. Thank you for being there always even when youre so far away now. Im so sorry for all the things Ive done to you. I love you. To my cousins, Caryl, you betrayed me. You never helped me. Ernest, you never gave me kindness. Cash, you never stood up for me. Patrick, I love you when you were growing up. I hope you have a better future. Precious, I love you. I hope Geo grow up as kind and as loving as you. Thank you for noticing me when they had mistreated me. Im sorry too that you couldn't do anything about it. Ate April, thank you for all your advice. When your mom died, we were all heartbroken too but Im hurt when you just abandoned us and never heard from you again. Ate Kristine, Ive never really felt close to you. Your favorite was Caryl. You never talked to me. To Gloria Romero, I waited for you to free me from my Aunt. You came back 26 years later like nothing happened. You wanted me to thank you that you gave me up to them to have a better life. What is better life to you? Suffering? Being unloved? Id rather have less than to feel unloved. Im sorry, I will find the courage to let go soon but never forgive and forget. I dont want you in my life. To my step mom, To me, you married my dad to come here in US. There were signs to all that. If youre going to let go of him, do it so with respect and dignity and understanding. To the person "AUNT" I cant forgive you. I want you to apologize for all the things you have done to me and then I want to tell you I cant forgive you. Youve acted all these years that what you did was because you loved me but I havent felt the love at all. You mean nothing to me. You are a garbage. To Norma Yoro, Youre not my grandmother and youve never been. You never liked staying with grandpa when he was sick. You always asked us to pay you back because you helped us to come to US. I DIDNT ASK TO BE HERE. I DONT OWE YOU ANYTHING! Youre just as bad as Aunt. To Grandpa, Youre being weak. HELP YOURSELF. Dont demand when you can do it. Im not going to waste my life again, taking care of someone else again. To Tito Jun, Stop controlling other peoples lives. YOU RUIN THEM. To Tito Wilson and Tita Hope, Thanks for the kind eyes but I know you both couldnt do anything while your spouses beat me. To Elizel and Jenny, Thank you and I love you. Thank you for helping me through the times I needed advice. 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