I am really in pain today from all the work yesterday. I sleep nice and soundly however.

i can't workout why people make this huge fuss over xmas anymore. when I was kid we did more and we had more people over so usually we'd have a number of extra guests for christmas dinner so we would have to cook more meats and foods but now we dont at all. this year we just had a salad we seen nigella make up with sprouts and ginger and shallots and chinese cabbage and salmon steaks and prawns and brie cheese and dessert we had these cute little mini puddings with gold dust over them and orange slices with dark chocolate we usually do turkey xmas evening or boxing day and pork after for new year and mum only buys small cuts of ham as I don't like it as much any more. and my mother made a lovely salad new year with a plum sauce that was really nice. and I didn't bother with birthday cake at all but I had a mini chocolate mince fruit pie made with orange and fig and custard and I had a ginger/pear ale non-alcoholic drink on xmas day. we also made some mini pudding cakes with marzapan. I bought a cheese cake and didn't even eat it, cuz I only allowed myself a few treats and diet being monitored, today I had a avocado on toast that was nice.

i can't workout why people make this huge fuss over xmas anymore. when I was kid we did more and we ...

I love the kiwi and honeydew juices we make up as well with pineapple and cellery and apple with coconut water or I will throw in some diet shake protein whey or some yogurt or skim milk and we also do a super thick smoothie with mango and banana and oat bran they are very filling. and boast up haemoglobin well. and we also have sometimes that spaghetti plant or str fry or a baked dinner. and sometimes we have naughty dinners like hash browns and bacon and cooked tomato on toast and egg white omelettes. I love cold mashed potato on toast with mint sauce and if you let cool and reheat it that will reduce the carb/sugar loading and I also love tomatoes on toast for lunch with some chinese five spice and worstershire sauce. Its an interesting sauce that is made of fermented garlic and onion and anchovies and herbs.

I love the kiwi and honeydew juices we make up as well with pineapple and cellery and apple with coc...

what i don't understand is why I still only eat most days 1 slice of bread at lunch and yet I can't flaming well lose this weight its so frustrating that I mostly stick to the diet I did years ago with the odd exception I will occasionally share a slice of cake with my mum or have a biscuit or a small bit of chocolate but I really don't indulge that much. I know I need to exercise more but after my back pain the other day I am really trying to stop the pain and trying to reduce the codeine now so I really do what my mum does- we walk through the back pain and often it eases up. my mum can do 200 tummy crunches on the rower and I am finding it hard to do 50 at the moment and my back surgeon told me not to over do that one and the hospital said that too with the neurologic orthopedic place I go to for my regular tests of balance and reflex and muscle. I have a bulging disc in the L2-5 area and c area and the other day something popped in the T 11-12 area and my opliques and glutes have been so sore, I had to call the home doctor and get the pain killers as much as I hate them but I had to as I just could barely walk and get out of bed and I slept most of the day because my body will do that if I have pain I just shut down and sleep it out, and I woke up with the ice pack on my back it was painful and had a few panadol osteo and I thought "hell I slept so much all day I won't sleep tonight" but I just slept anyway, then yesterday I deliberately didn't have any pain killers til I got to the pharmacy script filled and had a talk to the nice pharmacist and then I had make a decision which painkiller cuz it was one or the other and not both and tramadol is more dangerous with avanaza so I had codeine instead, I have a hello kitty tin case full of valium and all kinds of things its embarrasing that I have these drugs like morphine and codeine and valium and mirtazapine but I knew well it either valium or the alprazalam cant be both. so I chose alprazolam to stop the choking from avanza. I have had swallowing problems since I was a child. I don't talk about it much most because its embarasing, but I avoid raw carrot and things that I know I am more likely to gang on. its like a weak joint pain from being assaulted and maybe from whooping cough as well as a baby. I don't want to reliant on these medications forever but for the time being I do have to take the antidepressants and only miniumal doses of codeine which i will bring down tonight and see how I cope.

what i don't understand is why I still only eat most days 1 slice of bread at lunch and yet I can't ...