i do struggle alone cuz i don't have a filipino cookie to help me. i rely on myself not others like my sister always does.

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i wish the whole family had of come last night it is more fun with more of us really. I don't know why my cousin didn't come but I was surprised she wanted to say happy birthday and new year to me. I thought she didn't like me much. I am always in the shithouse with most people like I told the nuns "I guess you see me as a shitbag annoyance crippled personality with all my personal life problems and I don't know if they like my children's books story ideas. I wanted to go to midnight mass and I would go to church if I had kids and a husband, I would get more involved in church things but when you have no kids and not married you're a dirty bag no body! anyway I am not looking for a man anymore. I am too old and too fat and too ugly and too poor to even have those things now, I would make a ugly bride now. I gave up wanting those things years ago. all I ever get told is how I should be grateful for less of everything and old virgina and 4 times married women seem to need men more then me. all the dogs at the baby shows with their shitty kids needed men more then me. I would have had other people there as judges like my other cousins but they were working. on my finals night none of the family wanted to come to the dinner to support me. it was just mum and dad and katy banks and her husband, katy did a lot to help me. I met that nice lady who lost a baby. she was nicest of them but no one ever kept in contact. I told mum and my aunty last night this is my song "always end up alone" by bee gees. always end up the frig alone. every guy has dumped on me who I liked since ever. I thought we could've made a go of it with a nice guy. I liked scot too but he got married. ashley the pilot/ model was a bore and it angers me that when I was young and pretty everything was all this bloody "beauty myth" and look like a ugly cow slogans at women and go manless and men wouldn't even look at me. Not one guy at university ever offered to take me on a date ever! not one for all the years I was there. I guess that says something about me, and now they are all so old and ugly and remind me of the pedo who molested me so yuk forget sex and babies. I want to cry but I can't. if i won the big lotto of a 50million I think I would take my family on a holiday around the world or at least somewhere decent and a buy a few female friends to take with us and go party with low key, buy a house for my siblings (maybe if they treated me right) and I put lotto in and didn't win a thing on my birthday.

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