fuck this stupid course. already fucking sick of this shitty crap.

Fuckin games Warning I will probably say fuck way more than needed but Im angry and that is what tends to come out when Im this pissed and upset. Ok so how the fuck is someone supposed to feel when they are ignored? If you make it seem like you dont wanna fuckin talk to me Im not gonna waste my fuckin time and talk to you. Then you start yelling at me sayin its my fault and that all Im saying is lies like BITCH NO how can I tell lies when I dont even know the fuckin truth anymore. You wanna make it seem like there is someone else and that you dont love me anymore and all this bs and then try to make it my fault cause I dont know what to do or say. You fuckin know I have mental problems. Personality disorders, depressions out the ass, probably fuckin bipolar. You know I have all this shit wrong with me and you claim you give up like no you dont just do that to someone with these problems. It makes them all worse. For fucks sake Im sorry that Im not perfect but neither are you so dont expect me to change in the blink of an eye. Hell the only changing Ive done over the past 3 years is get worse cause no one is willing enough to help figure out whats wrong and what can be done to fix it. I would never fuckin leave when there are things you need help with. Thats why my uncle killed himself because his pig of a wife left him when he needed her most. I try my hardest every day to be perfect and do the right things but my brain has a mind of its own that fucks with my attempts and tells me that nothing I do is right and that Im just gonna fuck up and that no one loves me and that Ill never beloved, never get married, never be happy. Like its hard enough to keep myself alive cause all I wanna do is give up but then I look at my parents and best friend and dont have the heart to put them through that pain. I know how it feels I know it sucks. Ive gone through it 3 times. And then there is you who Im not sure if youd even care. You dont care enough to tell me you love me. Or call. There is only so much that a 17 year old girl can do on her own and it isnt much. I dont know jack shit about life. Im about to graduate school and start lifes real bs. But I sit here and fight with my heart and brain cause they both want to give up and not be a part of life anymore. Im scared shitless to live. To be alive is one of the scariest things for me. Not dying. Im scared to fuck shit up, to ruin peoples lives, to make everyone miserable. Like I already have. I laughed for the first time today in a while. It was a real laugh too. But not even an hour later I go back to being upset. Crying, wishing things were different. And its because of no matter what I do Im not good enough. And you make it clear every time we fight that Im not good enough for you. And I fuckin beg like my last breath depended on it that you stay cause Ive never loved like this before. And you fuckin stay. But each time its as if I drain a lil bit of life out of you each time and thats what I dont want to do. Thats why Im afraid to be with you. Im afraid to be with you because Ive already ruined so many others lives I dont want to fuck yours up and make you regret being with me. There isnt anything in this world I want more for you than to be happy and half the time I feel like that wont happen if youre with me but I love you too much to leave cause I dont want to be alone and you know me and you know how I act like no one else does. I dont even know what else to say. I keep crying. All I want to do is just disappear out of life and erased from peoples memories so they wont miss me. Cause Im sure even leaving Id fuck something up in your life again. FUCK. I dont feel any better but I had to be said. One way or another. This all needed to be said.

Fuckin games Warning I will probably say fuck way more than needed but Im angry and that is what t...

Prom asshole So I'm not with this guy or anything. But we hooked up once and he's apparently really liked me for a long time. So I gave him a shit and we went on a date. On my end, it didn't go well. Him idk. But Long story short I wasn't interested in him romantically at all. However, while he never really got the balls to talk to me at school, his friends still insisted that he liked me. Prom is not to far away. And all his friends kept on convincing me that he was gonna ask me to prom. Telling me not to worry and that it would happen soon, etc. Anyways, on a side note, one of my best friends passed away this weekend and it has been very hard on me and many others in my community. Today, we organized a ceremony for him in the gym to honor his life. But, the dude who was into me thought now would be a perfect time to get back at me for not "showing interest back". He asked another girl to prom. Not that big of a deal right? Especially since I wasn't interested in him that way. But he intentionally asked this poor girl out just too piss me off. And that's what's making me sad. Had he just wanted to go with her because she's cool and pretty, I would be totally fine with that. But it's the fact that he actually wants to hurt me and makes me sad. Especially when I'm already hurting from the passing of my friend. Maybe I'm being over dramatic. But I honestly think this just goes to show how petty and mean this guy is for wanting to intentionally hurt me when I'm already in pain.

Prom asshole So I'm not with this guy or anything. But we hooked up once and he's apparently reall...

Unpopular Opinions One thing I hate about myself is my ability to play people. Like, if I want you to like me, you can bet darn sure that I’ll get you to at least not dislike me. I’m so good at reading people, knowing what reaction to give to make sure that I make a good impression, that I feel like I erase myself in the process. I also never allow myself to get too close to people. At least not for a good long while. You can't dislike a person you barely know, right? That's why I stay to the sidelines. I hide. My mom once asked my dad’s dad (legit one of the wisest and kindest people I have ever known) “Which is more important: honesty or diplomacy?” My grandpa thought about it for a while and then replied: “it is more important to be kind”. As a woman of conscience, I know that there needs to be diplomacy in things. Words need to be phrased just so for them to be acceptable. You can’t just say whatever you want. It does no good to insult or push people away. As a woman of science, I understand the value of complete and total honesty. The world would go to pot without honesty. And there was a time when I would say that I’d rather everyone be 100% honest about everything than ever try to hide a thought. Even now, I’m pretty sure I won’t post this because I don’t want to offend people. Let me just say this to myself and to anyone else out there who has a problem with this kind of behavior: You will never know true happiness until you let go of the need for everyone else to be happy. I struggle with depression, but I was born to make people happy. That’s why I’m here. It’s not an opinion, but a statement of fact. I was born to depressed parents (hence the depression now in my twenties) but I was born to make people, them, and others, happy. From a young age, I learned what I needed to about people to make them smile to make them happy. Now I’m a mess because I never give my real opinions. I just give what people want to hear. Let me start now, here are my opinions that I tend to keep to myself for fear of hurting them: I’m against gay marriage. I think marriage is between a man and a woman. I want everyone to be happy and I don’t want to begrudge anyone finding love, but this is what I believe. I’m a Christian and I have friends who are bi and gay. I have friends with opinions that I don’t agree with. I have friends with habits I don’t agree with. I don’t like licorice. I think it’s gross and I don’t understand why they sell it at movie theaters. I think pumpkin spice is over-rated. I love it, but I find the hype really annoying. I like Korean Dramas. It’s like a soap opera with cultural references I will never understand. I like love stories. Pure, simple love stories. The story of how your grandparents met or how your parents met. I love hearing about people in love. I am a Christian, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a Mormon. I believe that I am saved through Christ. I also believe that Christ’s original church has been reestablished in these last days before the Savior’s second coming. I don’t really like animals because I’m allergic to them. If I ever say that I like one certain type of animal over another, chances are it’s because I know that you like one over the other and I’m trying to be on your side. I really like flowers. I think they’re pretty even when they’ve been dead in a vase for three months. I think Jane Austen’s Emma had a better love story than Pride and Prejudice. I don’t like the movie “The Titanic” I’m afraid of being rejected so I run away a lot. I’m afraid of being forgotten so I try to forget first. I recognize these as unhealthy behaviors and have, as yet, done nothing to correct them. I think grits are gross. So is coleslaw. And the smell of pulled pork makes me sick. I like buying DVDs instead of digital copies so I can watch movies in different languages. I think it’s okay to break gender norms, but not okay to change your gender. I believe gender to be a divine part of you, but it doesn’t necessarily need to dictate everything about your behavior. I actually like green smoothies, even though I never eat them anymore. I can, apparently, make a very long list of opinions that may or may not be problematic. I don't blame anyone for being angry or hurt over my opinions or beliefs. I'm sure I wouldn't agree with everything you believe either. I hope we can still get along despite that.

Unpopular Opinions One thing I hate about myself is my ability to play people. Like, if I want you...