when I worked for a doctor sometimes I stayed back late at night if he wanted me to and had late patients which was not a lot. he would always take a hour lunch break and the other doctor as well would leave a lot at lunch time so I was left with running the office and sometimes I didn't even take a break but I have always been l this, when I worked in hospitality in a 4 star hotel cleaning often I would use my lunch break to get through more rooms and skip my lunch often, I would start at 6.45aam and just work straight through til 2 or 3pm. when I worked in hostessing I was left with security of about 4 huge display luxuary homes I had keys to and I would just be able to read after I did my work that was basic as , all I had to do was put a heap of brochures for the archeitects and builders together and their home catalogues and put sales leads up for the sale team so I would sit and read all my human rights law books which was huge books. the course nearly killed me and the exams and my greatest issues were everynight leaving worrying if I had made sure the securty alarms were on right. I often had nightmares of the dam things going off after I left. but the houses were empty and I kept them clean and most people near asked me to show them around the houses but wanted to see the floor plans and price lists more. so I learnt to read a lot of archiects notes and sometimes they or the manager came to inspect on the office and see how I was going also. I was left completely to my own supervision. one job I did the banking for them and I think its weird if I was so trusted then why did everyone walk out on me when I did my justice exam and needed references and its like why then can't I get jobs I apply for. I feel like I am discredited and black listed it was very hurtful in 2005 when everyone just up and left !

when I worked for a doctor sometimes I stayed back late at night if he wanted me to and had late patients which was not a lot. he would always take a hour lunch break and the other doctor as well would leave a lot at lunch time so I was left with running the office and sometimes I didn't even take a break but I have always been l this, when I worked in hospitality in a 4 star hotel cleaning often I would use my lunch break to get through more rooms and skip my lunch often, I would start at 6.45aam and just work straight through til 2 or 3pm. when I worked in hostessing I was left with security of about 4 huge display luxuary homes I had keys to and I would just be able to read after I did my work that was basic as , all I had to do was put a heap of brochures for the archeitects and builders together and their home catalogues and put sales leads up for the sale team so I would sit and read all my human rights law books which was huge books. the course nearly killed me and the exams and my greatest issues were everynight leaving worrying if I had made sure the securty alarms were on right. I often had nightmares of the dam things going off after I left. but the houses were empty and I kept them clean and most people near asked me to show them around the houses but wanted to see the floor plans and price lists more. so I learnt to read a lot of archiects notes and sometimes they or the manager came to inspect on the office and see how I was going also. I was left completely to my own supervision. one job I did the banking for them and I think its weird if I was so trusted then why did everyone walk out on me when I did my justice exam and needed references and its like why then can't I get jobs I apply for. I feel like I am discredited and black listed it was very hurtful in 2005 when everyone just up and left !
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i feel so worried i have done the wrong thing all the time. i am always regreting most things i do. i signed up to do some short courses but they are not easy. already i feel broken down and financially busted. i hate the admin course already and how its set up and don't understand it. i have a thing against some courses and i just hope it will be easier then it looks. i like some challenge but not that much challenge that is it impossible to win. oh, and i wondered if they would misunderstand and start up their biker games again. please go away. i am just consern with survival. my body just worries about surviving. my mind just worries about surviving, my heart only worries about surviving. i am not interested in love at all. i am not interested in beauty and marriage. i have no survival to worry about for the rest of my life. so just please go away. no one wants you here. after a near death experience I just don't care about relationships ever again. as much as i want love my family is what matters to me. just survival is all i can't put my mind and body to. don't expect much else out of me. all i want to do now is party and have cruise ship holidays and change my world around. yeh i study but i will never be a someone or anyone. i was put in the tard corner young. i can't make employers want to give me a job or a nice guy to like me. i have given up on that since i turned 25- 34 i was pushed on the scrap heap everywhere more so since turning 40 and i just want to party hard without alcohol or drugs or sex or worry of kids unless i find the right person. i sometimes think about adopting children but i don't have money and like i say "who would want me now?" it doesn't even matter anymore. i gave up all my goals and dreams because others gave up on me too soon, and they didn't return the goodness and well wishes i gave to so many. all i got was shit and insults and bullying and deadwishes on me since a child. i don't forgive so easily over all this.

i feel so worried i have done the wrong thing all the time. i am always regreting most things i do. ...