don't lower your values just to be in the in crowd kelly. you will regret it later.

i do find it hard to be mean or rude to people and its hard when a therapist or support group is literally telling you to be rude to people who have wronged you but no harder then trying to forgive, which is harder and i have to work really hard on that. i don't feel comfortable forgiving people much now compared to when I was young. when I was young I forgave more because that was what we were taught with catholic nuns all the time we were punished if we didn't forgive and be nice no matter how nasty they were to us. now its like. I can't be that holy. sorry god, but i am just human and i would forgive if more good things had of come my way like jobs and social status and income and love and children etc. all those things that make us feel like we matter and that we are good people. when I was young I thought I would be rewarded for being so holy with gifts from god and I would seek revenge with success and love within my groups that never came so I am more sour now. i don't have an excuse to be polite too often, or to tolerate much. i mean only a drunk can really tolerate the company of another drunk, and I am not really a party person and learnt that young being humiliated as a child at parties made me less trusting. I only trust in selective times and not much, not often. I have forgotten what that and love is for, i have had to be mean and harsh to gain back things i lost and I don't like myself for the fact that i am harsher on people and cruel and have no problem dobbing people in and labelling people who have lied and abused me in my past and who have wronged me. I am very vocal now and my doctor says that is good. I don't have a problem calling police on people either. I can give orders and take them. i would make a good cop i think. better then most.

i do find it hard to be mean or rude to people and its hard when a therapist or support group is lit...

my doctor told me to tell sally off, so I gave her all I had and ripped into her. I didn't like doing it. but it let out some pent up anger in me over old women like her shutting me down all my life and making me feel less and stopping me getting with men i like. so I gave it to her as my doctor told me to. I just did want he said to do. i don't know if it was good or helped me. i even told people to F off, i mean at 43 to be telling choir conductor i admired for her talent only not for the awful person she is, was contriversal and hard but I was about survival not about ego which all of them were about making their CD and I liked making the CD choir religious songs a lot. I just occassionally get angry. like the night the stupid railway woman blew the whistle for the child. i mean railway protocol is that the whistle be blown on when it is ment to be not for a child indulgences and besides she should have seen my father fell out of the train. so I yelled at her i had to to get her to hear me. I had to be strong and i got cranky. a rule is a rule for a reason and no other reason. that is what i was taught in law. i have some eye and hearing problems and yet my general vision pre-dervision or what ever has a wider expressive stance to her and I am ultra alert and hyper-vigilent to awareness and what is going on around me, I should have been a cop or security person cuz I can see in the corner of my eye, you learn to have eyes in the back of your head when you on alarm for danger most of your life. I had to make my point clear to someone who should not be holding down a job, you do it right or you don't do it at all. I could do the job better but I don't care to as I have never had a role in a job with power to give orders and I am a humble person basically. but don't get on the wrong side of me.

my doctor told me to tell sally off, so I gave her all I had and ripped into her. I didn't like doin...

i told my mum on the cruise ship when they wanted to search her bag thinking she had alcohol and all it was was a shampoo, I said "mum your not incontrol here on the ship they can say and do what they like and they give an order and you take it and do as you dam well told or they can kick you off, you can get mad all you like and tell them you know there is no alcohol in their but they are just doing a job and they are going to demand you open it up to search it" they are the C's I said, the bastards that rule and dictate bark orders and you have to be gutsy enough to take a order and shut the f up and take it. i spent most of my childhood and life doing that, having law teachers barking at me, and mum had a job of management too young, whereas I know how to take orders and take it. I have had ambulance officers yelling at me, one literally screamed violently at my face inches away to move during expo 88 and i only had about 500 people behind me who wouldn't move so I don't were the whore thought i was supposed to go. I just took it and I could crumble but what is the point. I often cry alone later. you have to get over being bashed and kicked and barked at. see I know how to play the underdog so well unlike so many people around me. but i can give orders and politely and i can take control and demand an action from workers to when i feel its appropriate. i like to get people from behind.

i told my mum on the cruise ship when they wanted to search her bag thinking she had alcohol and all...