I feel so so sad that I could cope with being there for sabi when she died. I truely wanted to be. I wanted to hold her in my arms but the longer I stayed the more she got upset in another room without me and they let me see her in a humidity crib and and she was struggling some much to breath and her heart was going on her the more I got upset and I had to say good bye to her. I felt so awful I haven't stopped hating the world and hating people since she died. hating everyone who has abused me when I was sick for so long even before hospital visits all the time I knew something was wrong because I came home from the gp one day and my legs were really weak and I thought god I am gonna die. I don't regret getting simeon who is related to sabby and I love him. he would sleep in my arms when I was sick every day til I was like too sick and I smelt bad and he wouldn't come near me. I knew someone was trying to kill me, and simeon got sick and the vet had to give him daily injections of electrolites and I cried a lot. I don't understand why i have never been good enough for any man and why I have attracted losers who act stupid and fat and bullying and yobo when that is not me. I struggle a lot with back pain, chest pain and brain/ear pain. I worry about tumors all the time there is not a day I am not worried about my health. I don't even believe pathology results or much the doctors tell me. I struggle some days breathing and its like my brain does literally forget to breathe - a lot of people don't understand this. its like sleep paralysis and i sometimes wake with chest pain moaning in pain or feels like I m having a seisure in my sleep and can't move and I am calling out "help me help me" I can open my eyes but can't move, then the depression hits, I still hate early mornings since being ill seeing a sunrise as the ambulance took me into the hospital at that ugly big hosptial in the city was so creepy deathly. I don't want to experience that ever again.