i know now how much life i have not lived being tortured so much. that is the painful part that is hard to handle in me. i have hardly lived and my mother said to me when i nearly died in hospital "you have a lot to look forward to" and I just laughed at her as if hmm, you reckon, just more misery, there will never be a happy day til I am proved right about the people who abused me and they are dead so i can live my life. cuz some entity does not want me enjoying life or having a career or marriage or health because if it did, it would have known i wanted those things 25-30 years ago. it wouldn't hurt me like this if it knew i wanted my freedom to date who ever i want and not old stupid farts and idiots and it never would have had ken in my life. i never wrote ken in my life, or rick or russell, or any of the idiots i had to put up with. they were my penance. i did the time with a old pedo before i did any god dam crime on this earth and that is the truth. and church scum can say to me, "well you must have looked to be abused and molested at the age of 5 a part of you wanted it", yeh you think so? and so my dad must have too and my sister and my dads sister and my cousins and god knows whoelse. my mum must have wanted to be attacked every pay just to get her govt management wage. sure. that makes a lot of holy bible bullshit sense to me.