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i used to look through all the avon books and ask the avon lady to order in one of the male models for me. then I started wanting to adopt all the kids in the books as well. I used to pretend they were my own children. wondering what they would look like. then I found jenny at the campus and wanted her son and I used to imagine he was really my child and she was the surigette of my son back in 2002. I considered being a surigate to a family who could not have children and signed up for it even but haven't heard a thing. I considered having a one night stand but that isn't me. never done that ever and never could unless he was a model and seriously hot looking. I went out with a male model who was a pilot on a few occasions, he was a levi's guy model in the 1980s heap of uselessness crying poor and in debt to a song of like 1 million and throwing off at me for not working so I got rid of him because he was an asshole. I met a hot gay male model when I was working in a 5 star hotel in the butlers dept. they all loved me there cuz i was so keen to work then I got friends with another gay 5 star matradee, and a gay radio guy I don't talk to many of them now. but I do have a friend who knows how to get cheap tickets into places and holidays she said she will always help me out with that. she is a great friend to me. the only real nice person towards me.

i used to look through all the avon books and ask the avon lady to order in one of the male models f...

Pride

I don�t know what to do or say as we stand looking at each other, he ultimately takes a few paces towards me

I don�t know what to do or say as we stand looking at each other, he ultimately takes a few paces to...

Pride

I woke up really sick yesterday morning I was having a meltdown panic attack over it. I got up and I was flat out walking to the toilet and so incredibly dizzy and nauseated and had some gastro as well. I was beside myself crying that the mastoid infection thing could happen again or the RN said could I have had food poisoning because I told her I had had jauntis a few weeks ago bit was just in around the eyes and I get that from time to time. anyway before I rang the doctor I remembered I had some tablets for dizzy spells so I took 1 cuz my gp isn't back from holiday yet if I get really sick I will call a home doctor or go down to the VP24 they are better then the stupid hospital. I was crying tonight because I don't want to die from this thing and I have to go to hospital soon for something I can't talk about anyway. I don't want to die. I don't want to go through it again like last time. I would kill myself then go through it again. I said that back in 2000 after that huge middle ear infection I used to lay over the side of the bed facing the floor crying all day and all night for over 6 years and I thought that was bad enough. I thought i was gonna die then but each time it has got worse. I fear so much. I got to cope some how all alone in this. no one is gonna care when i die. no one has ever cared about me. I just don't want to have anymore senseless injections of shit in me and no more xrays and ct scans of my brain etc. Mri's fine but like the RN said for me not to take anymore tablets incase the doctor fines something more wrong but I have to go to hospital in a few weeks time for something else. I can't have all these problems, sure this was not as bad as when I needed the ambulance with my brain swelling after i washed my hair and everything was double and I couldn't walk straight for weeks. I used to slide side ways up and down the hall way checking on my mothers breathing a dozen times a night when I was really sick. I have to go to hospital in a few weeks and I don't want anyone worrying about me. I am alone in this illness and i am coping as best as i can. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoG4z3c-rZY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgp2gheUjLA Rn asked me if I have recently hit my head, "hit my head, I can't remember! since the car accident" but usually its the dam cupboard in the kitchen I hit my head on or something else inflicted. but I am feeling a bit better today anyway.

I woke up really sick yesterday morning I was having a meltdown panic attack over it. I got up and I...

PrideAbuseHate