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PrideLieLose of faithStupidityEmbarrassingGeneral
I never do my homework :-( it doesnt sound that bad... but this is a very important year for me... I am doing TEE japanese... i feel bad cos i know i could be putting so much more time and effort into my work... but im just too lazy
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I am wondering if I make stupid decisions over and over again when it comes to money and life choices that I think will be helpful and I read the advice labels etc and panic and I think later why am I constantly making what seems like good or sound caution and safe decisions most of the time but for a few which I do think were done completely irrationally in a state of shock, fear and phobia, why does most of my more seemingly logical cautious decisions end up looking stupid later, like I thought I was doing the right thing going to therapy when the issues arouse as a teen and at university and now realise I should have just projected my problems on to others unconsciously and bashed girls to get men and got drunk and gone out to night clubs more not been so cautious, and all the pharmacy and legal and business and allied health certificates etc just been a waste of time like university was. its strange that not many man valued what I value and they didn't think "well she is worth dating" I am confused!

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over the last 24 hours I have had 2 major heartbeat arrhythmias making me cough I can tell cuz it feels like a literal goulp sensation in the blood in the heart I get worried when I get these now, back years ago I used love them and just laugh but now they frighten me more. and for the last 48 hours I have had chronic pain which started the other day I literally pulled a muscule in my arm and the spasms caused a complete cramping all over my chest, diaphram and GI tract and I have had pain swallowing since, I go through this worst now then years ago I was told I have throat damage from having whooping cough as a baby but I noticed it worse after the vaccinations I had 3 years ago during my pnemonia and middle ear infection and serretonian to the point I was calling the ambulance a lot cuz i was having so much trouble swallowing, now I get like spams cramps I have to take medications for. I am just praying these crampy spasms ease up or I will have to see my doctor earlier, I have been putting off blood tests due to my phobia to blood tests needles and all the pain and trouble I go through with collapsing veins and I can't stand the vacuum needles at all.

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I am sick of being abused and ignored and taking less then I deserve, I do care about people but how much do I have to care ? I need something back from people too and no one has delivered what I was expecting. i am probably one of the least pushy people around. but I just can't keep up being selfless for everyone anymore.

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