we're getting a divorce before christmas, marry fucking Christmas! nope mpkg,78

Trying to get over things There's not really a category for this so I'm hitting other. Anyways to summarize in short: I did a lot of very bad things and feel guilty as hell. This might be really heavy for some of you guys but I'm not in a position right now where I can go to a therapist or seek psychiatric evaluation and things have been building up to the point where I feel that I need to dump it all out to someone. I can't talk about these things to my friends because I am so scared that it'd change their perception of me and they'd think I was disgusting or start to hate me. I really don't want to lose friends. Actual vent oh boy here we go,, When I was a lot younger //between 3-5 years ago// I got involved with a not good group of people. Basically a gang but not really. I was prompted to start doing bad things. I stole for the group of people I was with and got in a few fist fights. I ended up going home with bloody noses and black eyes for a while. I also ended up literally tied up I made and lost a LOT of friends during the time I was hanging out with the bad bunch. I was also friends with two other people at the same time who had nothing to do with the "gang". They were the kind who ditched me, yelled at me, hit me, manipulated me, and pulled my hair when I did nothing wrong. What really sucks is that I can barely remember most of it! All the fine details such as names, faces, and even what time of year it was aren't there at all. When I decided to stop putting up with the peer pressure and that I needed to get out before I ended up with more than bloody noses and black eyes I got a concussion. I told my friends I was leaving them and they threw me off a bridge into a deep rocky part of a creek, I hit my head and came inches within breaking my neck. Some girl who I can barely remember dragged me out and helped me back home. I can't remember what she looked like, what her name was, or what we did up to a certain point a few hours after I got thrown. She told me we should get revenge because I wasn't a part of the group any more and that they did me dirty. My stupid ass agreed and we took a GUN! aN ACTUAL G U N??? To one dudes house and threatened to shoot him. We shot a hole in his wall. I was going to actually try to shoot him and I'm so thankful I missed. We were kids when this happened too. It finally occurred to us that someone probably saw us and we ran to my house and some old man had followed us. My friend suggested we sneak out and actually kill something. I'll leave it vague here since we did kill something. She ended up crying really hard and I yelled at her and got so angry because she suggested it in the first place and she was the one buckling under pressure. I yelled at her and forced her to do it and I hate myself so mUCH. The only person found out we threatened to kill someone was the old man and I haven't seen him since then. I just really wishh I could apologize and say I'm sorry for not saying "No" and just know if she's okay or not now. And the fact that I went that far is so!! STUPID!!!! I WAS SO STUPID AND THE THINGS I DID HAVE STUCK WITH ME. IM STILL A VIOLENT PERSON LIKE I WAS BACK THEN BUT NOW I JUST DONT HAVE AS MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO ACT ON IT. I HATE MYSELF AND I THINK ILL ALWAYS BE GUILTY OVER IT. I DESERVE TO BE GUILTY OVEF IT,

Trying to get over things There's not really a category for this so I'm hitting other. Anyways to ...

Not guaranteed a job/snitch employees Are you fucking kidding me? I just got out of a meeting with my boss (they're scheduled regularly, just to see how we are doing, it's nothing serious). In that meeting however, she decides to tell me that my other co-workers have come to her saying that apparently I goof off too much. Now, that's an acceptable complaint, I'll give you that. What I found even more astonishing is that I watched very carefully after the meeting with my boss to see who was actually doing their job, and not one person was not goofing off the entire time. I don't need names as to who called me out, but really? Check your own house before you complain about someone else. And I'm pretty sure that's the reason that I'm not guaranteed a job next year (I'm still being considered, but something tells me I'd be guaranteed the job if that whole incident never happened)

Not guaranteed a job/snitch employees Are you fucking kidding me? I just got out of a meeting with...

i cant stand this pain. everything i cant stand this pain. everything inside of me just wants to break into pieces. i look at people.smiling, happy. with friends and living their life, like theres no tomorrow. i wish i could be them. be happy, with myself. i sit here, thinking that these people are better than me. knowing they are. that im nothing compared to them. i pray that life will get better, and ill finally be able to live in my own skin. its been 5 years. i want to die. im nothing. i hate myself.

i cant stand this pain. everything i cant stand this pain. everything inside of me just wants to br...