Unwanted Christmas Present - Last year I had a brief affair, which my wife found out about

Today I woke up with a sudden realization that I have not acheved any of the things in life that I wanted to do. I wanted to be a cheerleader. I wanted to play sax in band. I wanted to have good grades. I wanted to go to State with my best friend. Instead of all of that, I didn't register into highschool until 10th grade, I didn't put any effort into getting in band because the director said it would be hard work, I always went to cheerleader try outs but never had the guts to participate, I let my friends do my homework and I almost failed the 11th grade, and instead of going to state I attended a 2 year college that's only a 15 minute drive from here. Really sad part is that I didn't finish my 1st year of college and I lied to everyone about it. Now I'm pregnant with a guy who has already cheated on me with a perfect redhead within our 2 year long relationship. I want a complete do over. I hate my life.

Today I woke up with a sudden realization that I have not acheved any of the things in life that I w...

I sit and watch things that remind me of all the things I wish I could do. All those things that are life goals and dreams and letting the past seep in and destroy it. 'not good enough' 'failure' 'worthless' 'untalented' I let it poison it and I let my dreams shatter so instead of going for them I kill them every time the longing to work towards them gets too strong, Cause I can't face being good at something. I can't accept praise that isn't superficial. My real talents all feel plastic when people see them and so I keep them a secret. It hurts and I don't know how to help myself anymore. That's my secret that I am talented but refuse to use it cause I am self-sabotaging. I am so sorry self.

I sit and watch things that remind me of all the things I wish I could do. All those things that are...

I want to leave and never come back. I really want to start a new life completely independent. I want to feel in control for once....I want to be the person making my decisions and deciding whether or not they are good or bad. I JUST WANT TO LEAVE A NOTE AND DISAPPEAR FOR A FEW YEARS......I've always wanted to go to japan. I'd like to experience it's culture...but getting there is so expensive. I still want to leave.

I want to leave and never come back. I really want to start a new life completely independent. I wan...