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Just a girl rambling He probably doesnt really care. and now hes avoiding me... what did i do? what didnt i do? i really thought that he might care... im always to blame, maybe i put that on my self but it feels true... I should have said hello, i should have smiled, should have tried to try. i just cant. Ive cared about him forever and i see him everywhere why not.... why cant i do this? why do i put up this wall that prevents me from leaving this stupid bubble of safety i put myself into... im afraid of embarrassment, im afraid of being totally ignored so i let the most perfect relationship slip away. I love everything about him, just who he is. Of course hes attractive which makes it worse! If he were more normal, this woud be easier... hes just too amazing... i dont know what to do because i just shut down my real feelings, i cut myself off to avoid pain.... anytime ive tried to say what i really feel in the past my parents have mocked me, have said i was nothing, have said that i was worthless and useless and stupid. How can i put my feelings back on the line? i just cant handle being totally rejected i really cant. All my friends have boyfriends now and im losing them. My best friend is already gone so instead of having anyone who cares, and who i care about... im writing on an anonymous confessions wall. I wish i was brave. i wish i could allow myself to be happy. i wish. Maybe i can??? I had this audition today where there was an interview, i was fine. i kept my head and didnt flip out like i thought i would.... maybe he wont hate me, although lately it seems like it.... i dont know what i did wrong. i think i may have missed my chance....

Murder
Just a girl rambling He probably doesnt really care. and now hes avoiding me... what did i do? what didnt i do? i really thought that he might care... im always to blame, maybe i put that on my self but it feels true... I should have said hello, i should have smiled, should have tried to try. i just cant. Ive cared about him forever and i see him everywhere why not.... why cant i do this? why do i put up this wall that prevents me from leaving this stupid bubble of safety i put myself into... im afraid of embarrassment, im afraid of being totally ignored so i let the most perfect relationship slip away. I love everything about him, just who he is. Of course hes attractive which makes it worse! If he were more normal, this woud be easier... hes just too amazing... i dont know what to do because i just shut down my real feelings, i cut myself off to avoid pain.... anytime ive tried to say what i really feel in the past my parents have mocked me, have said i was nothing, have said that i was worthless and useless and stupid. How can i put my feelings back on the line? i just cant handle being totally rejected i really cant. All my friends have boyfriends now and im losing them. My best friend is already gone so instead of having anyone who cares, and who i care about... im writing on an anonymous confessions wall. I wish i was brave. i wish i could allow myself to be happy. i wish. Maybe i can??? I had this audition today where there was an interview, i was fine. i kept my head and didnt flip out like i thought i would.... maybe he wont hate me, although lately it seems like it.... i dont know what i did wrong. i think i may have missed my chance....
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More from 'Murder' category

I had to prostitute myself About 4 years ago, i got busted for welfare fraud and I got a 2-year sentence. I had to leave my 2-year-old daughter with her father, my then-fiance (he is now my husband), and go do my time. I was placed in a correctional facility that was about 30 minutes from my home, so my then-fiance and our daughter and my mom came to visit me alot (my dad ran off when I was a kid). But after I was there for about 3 months, the assistant-deputy warden told a bunch of us they were going to have to transfer us to another correctional facility that was about 7 hours away because of overcrowding and since we had the least seniority as inmates, we had to make the tranfer. I got an appointment with him and begged him not to transfer me. I told him that, if he transferred me, I would probably almost never get to see my family and that I would go crazy if I couldn't see them. At first he said he didn't care but he shut the door and told me that, if I made it worth his while by having s** with him, he wouldn't transfer me. I said OK because I thought he meant just one time. I found out, soon enough, that that was not what he meant. He re-assigned me from my other prison job in the kitchen to be his secretary. The first day I was there he pulled me into his office and had s** with me. Then he did it again on the second day. Then again on the third day and on and on and on. He ended up making me have s** with him almost every day for the rest of my prison term. I always just went along with it because he always could have had me transferred to another prison anytime he wanted to and I really didn't want to be transferred. About 6 months before I was set to get out, I came up pregnant and I told him I was pregnant. He granted me a special waiver for me to have a conjugal visit with my fiance, even though he was not yet my husband. He said it was because my behavior in prison had been "exemplary" and because my fiance was the father of my child but we both knew he was just trying to cover up the fact that he got me pregnant. It worked. I had s** with my husband let him think he got me pregnant. When my baby boy was born, thank goodness he looked alot like my side of the family. My fiance never suspected a thing and we got married. The part that sucks is that that assistant deputy warden who got me pregnant lives in this community. I see him around town and when he sees me, he always get this big grin on his face. He has even come up to me and my husband and said hello to us and to our children (my husband never met him so he doesn't know who he is). I HATE HIM!!!

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