I can't say who I like and love anymore. its best I say nothing incase they see me as ugly.

I have learnt to sexually satisfy myself due to bashings and threats of attack most of my life. you learn to live without love and affection. I have somewhat of a sex drive but not much interest in sex with anyone. I stopped having an interested in sex young, at the age of 14 I hated the whole idea other then to have a baby. after years of sexual abuse. these women don't understand why I don't want to learn belly dance or burlesque but my child sexual abuser perpetrator would come up to me as a child in my underwear or pjs and touch me up and get lewid when I was dancing to pop songs and I even now find it hard to enjoy dancing sometimes and pop music, apart from the fact that todays music is complete shit but for a few. but after being pawed at all the time at the age of 5 til 15 I really don't feel a need to make a fool of myself doing compromising acts that I don't feel comfortable doing. I just don't like being sexual much at all. and when I did I was after different men that I could never get my hands on, all I could do was look but not touch, not talk to them other then for work or professional need so or they were young guys at college who just didn't even notice me. young guys with rich parents who didn't like girls like me who were more home maker type women. I always wanted to be a career woman. I thought life would be so different when I got into my teens I was less respected and as you age the worse it gets. I just don't understand it. I didn't want a drunken vomitting elipetic man of 70 groping me as a child and teen. something I can't ever forgive that people who must have known, teacher who must have thought something was wrong did absolutely nothing. how many times I didn't react played possum as they say, or play dead to turn completely cold and frozen so not to be seen causing a scene! making a fool of myself asking for help or wanting to demand the dirty men leave me alone. anyway, I sure as hell will not make a fool of myself doing strip and burleque, I don't even know if I would do that bs for any man I loved its just not me.

I have learnt to sexually satisfy myself due to bashings and threats of attack most of my life. you ...

I am envious of people who have a true love memory and experience like good times with someone special. I never have. I have never had sex with a man I love ever. never been kissed by a guy I like ever. never had a sweet innocent romance ever. I can't say remember the night we found real love and we had wanted to get together for ages and finally did. I can't say that. I have no love that felt the same way back ever. I liked guys a lot older then me like the czech tennis player over the road in my teens and the cricket players when I was just 10 I would go watch to the live cricket a lot. at roller skating lessons I liked this guy as well and I was 6 and he was about 17 or 18. I liked guys way too early as a child but i would never tell them. even at college one got my bus another was in my drama class and I got to hold his hand that was about it. I went to the ballet and lots of good looking men there and at university my teachers some were really good looking in law but I was just a loser student. I wasn't pretty enough or rich enough for them. I found out what evil bastards men are even the cute ones can turn on you and go evil sicko, let alone the bad ones who just rape you. I love a few guys were normal who I should have given my virginity to over being raped anyway. they are the ones I still think of and its best I guess we don't meet. last winter I was at the beach and I seen the hottest young guy and another surf young guy was looking at me and I have big boobs but I was not showy or anything but I was thinking "well why are you looking at me like that your so young and completely beautiful all I could have wanted in guy when I was a teenager. I never got to have a teen romance. instead dumb neighbor tried to push me with this old bastard of 38 when I was 16, so nothing much happened there he was so boring. he might have had money but he had nothing else. like the model pilot I went out with a useless heap of crap he was. if he had of dated me when I was a teen or in my early 20s I would have been interested but not when he was hitting 46 and I was just 27. so I stood him up one night cuz he was a complete sleaze bag worse then what becs sister in law said about rick she called him a sleaze bag to me. rick really messed me up and i wish I had met someone better then. everyone else gets to have nice romances and happy endings and I don't and I am sick of it. everytime I am bashed and have to get bashed up and its not worth it. I stopped looking for love over 15 years ago and friends. emma hurt me and other female friends you learn not to let anyone in.

I am envious of people who have a true love memory and experience like good times with someone speci...

can you now see tracey? can you now see how australians want to leave australia to get a better life somewhere else???? we are so suppressed and abused and poverty struck and conservo and have no place to go that we understand is home anymore! can you now see why an abused white woman would not find burlesque and strip in some weirdo woman's social group that only help divorced women and foreign or gay women and to me its as not fun? can you now see tracey? can you? cuz I am always listening to everyones words carefully and watching body language and omissions and constructs around them! can you now see how most people in australia are doing it tough unfairly and the white prejudice just because we are white and we have to move and study overseas to be educated and to count we have to marry a foreigner to survive so called equality cuz no Australian men will pay homage to their own people, everything is contructed around no social activity other then professional and to break that code would be morally judged so I can't date my australian coach at the gym but others from overseas can and I have to bring in a south american or russian because no australians see me as equal but outsiders do out away from this country I am respected, but here no respect often and employ them or friend them or date them. we have to date foreigners to feel worthy because we don't get that here from our own kind.

can you now see tracey? can you now see how australians want to leave australia to get a better life...