i have pain again. hope it eases up. fuk it. where is some relief from this boring existence?

most days all I have for breakfast is either oat bran flakes and raspberries or I have oats and berries or a chai seed and cacao oats and some shredded coconut or just oats and grated apple without any sugar or egg on toast or vegimite on toast or jam on toast and a cup of tea and I will usually try to drink at least 2x750ml bottles of plain water after eating and maybe 1 cup of small teaspoon of coffee and then just keep filling up on water all day and lunch sometimes I have tuna or tin salmon and yogurt cucumber lemon sandwich or some horseradish with cucumbers or fish with just 1 slice of bran or grain bread, or a salad with tuna or cous-cous basil and cherry tomatoes, or baked beans on toast with chili flakes, or sardines on toast. the other night we had mushrooms in butter and I don't eat a lot of butter I like a little or cottage cheese or tasty cheese and crackers and cucumbers in dill, or we will have things like a apple and mint smoothie, or watermelon and mint drinks. I drink a lot of water in the afternoon and maybe a few cups of tea and have maybe a small biscut or black strap molases and saos or my lastest thing is cottage cheese with cayenne pepper on saos to get my blood thinner and it eases headaches and circulates blood better. I love occasionally to a vegimite on sao and then put the tasty cheese thin slices on top and a few splashes of worstershire sauce and garlic or himilayan salt and put in the microwave for about 40seconds it comes out nice and gooey and crisp. or we do a ginger carrot juice or a cellery and cucumber juice with lime and dandelion root and cellery seed tonic. dinner is just usually a mediterainian huge vegi mix of eggplant, zuccini and carrot and baby onions and garlic cloves, sweet potato and capsicum maybe red kale and asparagus or brocoli etc, and chicken breast without skin or a lamb chop and baked apples or chicken paramajana and olives, or we do the vegigetti and chickpea and mince and onions and tomatos, or fish like flat head or snapper etc, and steamed vegitables. we don't eat a lot of desserts but I got some cheap lammingtons the other day for my dad. I like an earl grey tea at night or a camamile and honey tea or french tea. or I just throw a jasmin or vanilla green tea bag or a strawberry herb tea bag in my water bottle to infuse the flavors for the day.

most days all I have for breakfast is either oat bran flakes and raspberries or I have oats and berr...

its weird that I really feel I have had to learn to hate myself as I did as a child all over again to find peace in myself but I am still sexually and romantically unfullfilled and I know I have a lot of love to give a man and long for marriage which is now becoming nothing but an embarrasement and deep hurt now, that in some way I failed to be worthy and captivating enough to engage a mans love or attentions in all the normal ways a woman should expect to, like my sister had her lovely perfect wedding day young, so did my cousin louise who I used to look up to because she was so clever and I was the dumb one I guess, brigette had her lovely wedding day young as did karen my brothers wife and other family members and I am thinking "what the fuck hell was so fucking wrong about me?" why wasn't I good enough at 21? or 24 or 30? why did I have to be this expection and be date raped something I never pictured in the story of myself. it was something I always dreaded and feared being raped because as a child when I was being molested I didn't have that vocabulary at 5 to say "this old man is molesting me or he is a pedophile" I didn't know the words, I just had seen rape scenes on tv shows and soaps and movies and the girl or woman feeling wounded and that was my only way to describe what this old man was doing to me, it felt dirty and wrong, it felt strange and made me want to faint, and yet sexual orgasm was interesting but it all became a hell for me as a 4 or 5 year old I would describe him abusing me often as raping me cuz that was all I knew in words it felt shameful and guilty and shocking and gross. i think that people don't understand that I was sexually assaulted as a child by many people not just 1 person. there were other people, older kids female and male, other old men and being attacked in the throat was painful and that was all because I was copying this abusive man who was doing this to me copying his swearing he was always calling me :a little cunt, and I think it is disgraceful of any man to speak like that to a child a little girl of 4 or 5 is just so upsetting. the dirty things he said to me and the shit he was putting in my head. it was not right and nothing that I have been through has ever been handled right which only makes the problems all the more worse and upsetting. the house fire the alcoholism the killing of live stock and burning off bodies makes me sick. that is shame.

its weird that I really feel I have had to learn to hate myself as I did as a child all over again t...

pet peeves people who use phrases like "tell it to the hand cus the face don't want to listen" or "IMAO" in my arrogant opinion, these people have nothing to be arrogant about but should be grateful and humble and it is really insulting to be in the company of assholes who talk down at you but can't see that they do things that they critize you for, like defaming companies for minor traces of caffeine etc and yet don't make a issue over too much nuts or whatever and how they can cause illness and contradict themselves in other videos saying the opposite which I have noticed some health people do which is really confusing or thinking they are cool with stupid dialogue and utudy celebs who film every aspect of their lives talking too fast and raving on about mindless stuff that was once interesting on their videos that just lack substance. people who are constantly fiddling with their mobile while out with you are truely annoying and how rude at a meeting or medical appointment unless urgent to take a personal call ? and eat at a five star fine dining restaurant near the chef only to stare at a mobile all day during the menu. I must admit I have been working in industrial kitchens a few times and last time I was so ill and had to fake my interest in the chocolate the whole time it made me want to vomit and I had to fake my liking of it to be socially acceptable, then like I meet gay chefs from france who work in big hotels talking vulgar comments about piping meringue techniques while I am trying to prepare 100 or more parlor high tea sweets, so I did down the champagne in this huge kitchen after putting up with him. guys who talk to you as if you are their past partners and your just "no, I want out of this crap", and then there are these "hate talk" people like my sister and others who are just filled with hate talk that my doctor says he wanted to protect from because its so un-needed. sometimes the people who are labeled crazy for saying they are being violated or abused are not crazy and actually are being abused and not just attention seeking. wow what a new concept!

pet peeves people who use phrases like "tell it to the hand cus the face don't want to listen" or "I...