I have a diary of all my appointments and events but after the news a few weeks ago about more skin cancer I just lost all focus on what was going on around me. forgot appointments and I go to see a skin cancer doctor a lot and I knew something was wrong for a long time. the gyno said the vaginal itch is definately not in my imagination. its embarasing and I just feel more persecuted and abused really. I did enough vaginal cutting on my self as self punishment as a child for the sexual abuse- this is just adding to the hurt and feelings of always being punished that somehow it was all my fault- but a therapist today told me its normal to go through this upset and fear. I have to do what ever treatment I can to heal and get better. I hate neddles I am scared of having to go through vaginal reconstructive surgery due to skin cancer and abnormal cells that showed up and I am just praying that it won't be so bad as all that or have to go that far. - what did I ever do to deserve all this? as a child of 4? what little girl of 4 looks for this abuse and neglect and harshness because I never did. I don't understand why I have never been really loved how I wanted to be loved. I wanted children and marriage so badly. I was just afraid to make a move fear of being attacked and bashed. I long to have a normal healthy sex life and love life, a love of my own! I don't understand what god does this to children? its making me question my faith and not that I could turn to satanism, I never could, even I used to laugh at some of those comedy things and other times I would cry because they actually werent funny for the real victims of it.