I always thought I would marry a professional or academic teacher but it just seems that I am the one always ignored as if I am so low IQ since I was a child the "spastic" and "retard" labels were something I learnt to live with at school and just by how relatives treated me, the kids at school were mean and would just say the words but the relatives were more passive however the message came across loud what they thought of me. I think most of my life its been pretty one sided that I have always made the mistake of speaking well mostly of others, even down to joyce her daughter called her a slut and whore and I said "oh no you are not like that" but I was wrong, I learnt to laugh at most of the negative labels but there were and are still times it hurts and as I have got on more and life not in a situation I wanted, like I wanted to be married and with children back 20-15 years ago I feel "gee people really must see me as so spastic - like as if she could marry or expect this or that?" she must be a real spaz etc I am sure they think it about me more and more now, I don't understand why people are suck assholes to kind people like me. I just think I should more of a mean bitch to people but it does not come easy to me or my conscience to be nasty rude deliberately hurtful or vendictive or even provocative, I think I should have been I might have been respected more by other women and men. I think I was too shy, too easy going and too conforming for others abuses but I never knew that it was ok to be rude and mean and deliberately evil. I should have really stabbed the knife in to a lot of people and regret not doing it now. the worst part of having a too well exercised conscience !