even when I was thin - I was not a swim suit binkni person, I just don't like it. its not my scene, like even to wear a sarong is hell for me. and morally I just feel its wrong to even bother accepting this offer. I am not that easy to buy. I really don't feel morally comfortable about the whole thing. its not even like I will find any man who could love me. I was never good enough when I was younger, why would it change now. as if it could? it never does, people never treat me good enough. nothing ever works out for me in my life anyway. everything is just too late. I can't have a baby now. I don't believe a word my doctors tell me to be honest I don't think I am as healthy as they make out. I just play their game they want me to but - where is the job? where is the husband I was supposed to have 25 years ago? where was all the fun that I was supposed to have when I could enjoy it and now I am too old too sick and too hatefilled and untrusting of anyone anyway. a real man if he really loved me, he would come to my door and have the balls to show himself and and not put me through suffering always questioning - is he out to murder me? another set up for excitment to lead to bitter disappointment? when is the next insult from where around this place? I expect people to get off their ass and do, not plot and puzzle but its all about the NOW to me. I was forced to settle for less and everyone else can too! I have not enjoyed live in over 30 years. don't fucking try to game me! I can't help it if I think like a cop, its just how I am. I am never relaxed ever.