I have had a really tough time this year. There were days where I felt no reason to wake up. Days where I'd plan out what I would do to end it all. I resented myself and everyone around me. I hated others for being happy. My friends for succeeding where I had failed and my parents for not completely understanding what I was going through. I still do. Maybe it means I should grow up. And realize that things change. But it's so god damn hard. I feel so alone. Even when I'm surrounded by people. I feel so inferior to all my friends and I hate the jealousy and animosity that burns beneath my skin. I resent them for not being there for me although I'm the one pushing them away. I hate that they moved on to better things. Better people than me. When they talk I lie about how I'm doing. Because I'm too similar to the stories of people they hate. The selfish ones. The annoying ones. The liars. The pretenders. I prefer to put on a mask of the over excited idiot. They disappoint me because I idolized them. I held them to too high of a standard. And now I hate them. Well not exactly. They weren't who I thought they were. I feel so jaded and weary. Life is a sad existence. We all just do day by day and there is no meaning. I feel so inferior I wish I was stronger. Sometimes death seems as if it is a retirement from this depressing job called life.