I realize that parents, educators, and others have to set standards for young people's appearance, speech, and behavior, but I cringe when these standards are developmentally inappropriate. Scolding a child for being a bit silly or a bit playful or imaginative is basically scolding them for being their age and acting it. Let them have a few years of mostly happiness. It won't kill them or you. Trying to force teens to look or talk or behave like middle-aged executives is foolishness. Yes, by all means, demand respectful behavior and situationally appropriate talk and dress, etc., but consider what's really appropriate. If a kid dyes their hair blue or wears a weird outfit to school, guess what? It means the kid is being a kid. Let them do that. Once they finish school they'll have plenty of years to try to fit in for the sake of professional advancement in whatever field they enter...or they might actually find a job where people understand a nostril piercing doesn't translate to incompetence. Some people do that too. Yes, this is all somewhat subjective, but a great yardstick for this is...when you're insisting your child or student (or whatever their relationship to you) modify something about themselves, is it really for their benefit? Or is it all about you? Do they need to learn to straighten up and be a professional at the age of 14, or do you need to relax and let your child be a different person from you rather than your mirror image or your trophy? Most of what I experienced as a young person was about my family and schools wanting absolute control, not about me getting anywhere near running amok. Granted, my family was extremely dysfunctional, but plenty are - I'm sure there are plenty of kids today in the same boat I was. I'm entering midlife and I still have nightmares about my mother making me late for school trying to tell me my outfit doesn't look right by some standard she just made up to make me insecure and make me change what I was doing. Of course my mother was still doing this when I was in my 30s every time I saw her. "You're not going to wear that shirt with those shorts! They're out of proportion!" (Well yeah I AM going to wear this shirt and these shorts actually. They're both form-fitting, so if they're out of proportion it means I'm out of proportion, and that's not something I can change in time for us to go to lunch so we will probably just have to live with it.) I also remember her throwing a fit about me having made reference to a cartoon in the presence of an adult when I was 8 years old - what was I supposed to do, crack a joke about the FTSE and excuse myself to check on the hors d'oeuvres? These are a couple of thousands of examples from my own life...and I can't go anywhere in public without seeing parents do the same thing to their kids. I kid you not, my landlord was screaming at her toddler the other day for not doing a chore properly and thus being "useless." I've heard people ask 5-year-olds "when are you going to grow up?" (Not today, ma'am.) Come on. These struggles aren't to please, let your kids be kids. Before long they'll be adults, and if you let them be themselves in the meantime they might actually turn out to be happy adults who are still interested in speaking with you.
I realize that parents, educators, and others have to set standards for young people's appearance, speech, and behavior, but I cringe when these standards are developmentally inappropriate. Scolding a child for being a bit silly or a bit playful or imaginative is basically scolding them for being their age and acting it. Let them have a few years of mostly happiness. It won't kill them or you. Trying to force teens to look or talk or behave like middle-aged executives is foolishness. Yes, by all means, demand respectful behavior and situationally appropriate talk and dress, etc., but consider what's really appropriate. If a kid dyes their hair blue or wears a weird outfit to school, guess what? It means the kid is being a kid. Let them do that. Once they finish school they'll have plenty of years to try to fit in for the sake of professional advancement in whatever field they enter...or they might actually find a job where people understand a nostril piercing doesn't translate to incompetence. Some people do that too. Yes, this is all somewhat subjective, but a great yardstick for this is...when you're insisting your child or student (or whatever their relationship to you) modify something about themselves, is it really for their benefit? Or is it all about you? Do they need to learn to straighten up and be a professional at the age of 14, or do you need to relax and let your child be a different person from you rather than your mirror image or your trophy? Most of what I experienced as a young person was about my family and schools wanting absolute control, not about me getting anywhere near running amok. Granted, my family was extremely dysfunctional, but plenty are - I'm sure there are plenty of kids today in the same boat I was. I'm entering midlife and I still have nightmares about my mother making me late for school trying to tell me my outfit doesn't look right by some standard she just made up to make me insecure and make me change what I was doing. Of course my mother was still doing this when I was in my 30s every time I saw her. "You're not going to wear that shirt with those shorts! They're out of proportion!" (Well yeah I AM going to wear this shirt and these shorts actually. They're both form-fitting, so if they're out of proportion it means I'm out of proportion, and that's not something I can change in time for us to go to lunch so we will probably just have to live with it.) I also remember her throwing a fit about me having made reference to a cartoon in the presence of an adult when I was 8 years old - what was I supposed to do, crack a joke about the FTSE and excuse myself to check on the hors d'oeuvres? These are a couple of thousands of examples from my own life...and I can't go anywhere in public without seeing parents do the same thing to their kids. I kid you not, my landlord was screaming at her toddler the other day for not doing a chore properly and thus being "useless." I've heard people ask 5-year-olds "when are you going to grow up?" (Not today, ma'am.) Come on. These struggles aren't to please, let your kids be kids. Before long they'll be adults, and if you let them be themselves in the meantime they might actually turn out to be happy adults who are still interested in speaking with you.