so when joyce said things to me like looking to be rescued I read that to mean- I can't ever show a weakness, vulnerability or need, I have to suffer the pain out so I did, I wouldn't take pain killers doctors offered me sometimes to feel powerful and above them like "as if I need your shit! you weak link in the chain!" as if I need morphine, I stood up and fought against the heart attack. I had to several weeks and months and years no one knows but me!