i don't know who to trust anymore. so i don't trust too many people at all.

I've never met my father and from what my mum told me he was really mean. I am normally a nice girl, I'm shy and a bit anti social (though it was worse when I was younger) in the sense that I prefer hanging out by myself and staying at home than going outside or being with anyone else. But sometimes I feel like being mean. I do restrain it because I know I'll get in trouble and considering my reputation at school if I lose my friends then I'll suffer (when we have to work in pairs), it's already at a point that they only choose me if none of their other friends are there (It's my fault, I only talk to them that much in class anyway) so if I do something mean to them they'll all start ignoring me. I think I got that mean streak from my father because even before I knew about him I felt like this. Every time one of my friends has a secret, I wanna know, which is natural but when I do I just feel like telling everyone or a specific person if it's a crush or similar. I did this once before where my friend told me she liked a guy and I told this girl in Maths and the guy also sat on our table so he heard it. He thought it was a joke and after that he knew she wasn't joking. My friend found out but forgave me and said if I ever do it again she hate me. A part of me was happy she gave me another chance because I already ruined it for her by the guy knowing (and it not being a joke like he thought) and I felt sick at having those thoughts. I used to do it a lot in primary school and I loved it because even though I got told off I was never seriously reprimanded by my mum. I hate it now because I can't get away with any of that, those were my thoughts at the start of secondary school. Believe me, it's not something that I proud of. It's like those shows where there's the angel and the devil. When I get like this I take pleasure in seeing the people close to me suffer, my friends. Never my family. It's wrong and I know I should do therapy or something but my mum would never take me seriously as I didn't grow up influenced by my father and I don't want to lose this part of me. I like it. And that's what scares me the most.

I've never met my father and from what my mum told me he was really mean. I am normally a nice girl,...

i actually hate santa, my parents would never allow me to go see santa and have a sit on santas knee with a photo. I don't know why but they never liked that sort of thing and always told me those sorts of people were bad people. I would run from clowns and the easter bunny even out of fear of them due to my parents words and untrust they spoke of those sorts of people. I wonder if parents do that to harm their kids,the ice-cream van they wouldn't lets go and we never went to carols as kids. my parents were real fear mongers.

i actually hate santa, my parents would never allow me to go see santa and have a sit on santas kne...

rose-mary blinded me for half a day throwing sawdust in my eyes and it took a good hour of my father having to wash my eyes out under a water outdoor tap and I was crying and I was I could hardly see for another day til it came good. that bloody bitch blinded me in more ways then one, that bloody thing! if people only knew the violence and attacks and sexual assaults she did to me, the dirty games and evil evil evil things she has said to me since I was a child. if you only knew. you can't begin to imagine its got worse as she has got older. she even let a underage neighbor get fucked by a guy I liked who was my age and then said "you're just jealous cuz you can't fuck and no one wants you and my allen and everyone says you are so ugly" but she got a underage girl sexually morbid just to stop me having any man at all. she tried that game one too many if people only knew what she is like. sometimes I think she must want me to lust after her cuz she doesn't want me with any man, unless they are weirdy and creeps that I don't like. mum and dad are awake up to her. I said she is has been doing this to me all my life. and my therapist knows what she is like.

rose-mary blinded me for half a day throwing sawdust in my eyes and it took a good hour of my father...