Killed a Chicken

Just a girl rambling He probably doesnt really care. and now hes avoiding me... what did i do? what didnt i do? i really thought that he might care... im always to blame, maybe i put that on my self but it feels true... I should have said hello, i should have smiled, should have tried to try. i just cant. Ive cared about him forever and i see him everywhere why not.... why cant i do this? why do i put up this wall that prevents me from leaving this stupid bubble of safety i put myself into... im afraid of embarrassment, im afraid of being totally ignored so i let the most perfect relationship slip away. I love everything about him, just who he is. Of course hes attractive which makes it worse! If he were more normal, this woud be easier... hes just too amazing... i dont know what to do because i just shut down my real feelings, i cut myself off to avoid pain.... anytime ive tried to say what i really feel in the past my parents have mocked me, have said i was nothing, have said that i was worthless and useless and stupid. How can i put my feelings back on the line? i just cant handle being totally rejected i really cant. All my friends have boyfriends now and im losing them. My best friend is already gone so instead of having anyone who cares, and who i care about... im writing on an anonymous confessions wall. I wish i was brave. i wish i could allow myself to be happy. i wish. Maybe i can??? I had this audition today where there was an interview, i was fine. i kept my head and didnt flip out like i thought i would.... maybe he wont hate me, although lately it seems like it.... i dont know what i did wrong. i think i may have missed my chance....

Just a girl rambling He probably doesnt really care. and now hes avoiding me... what did i do? what ...

i am dreaming about bombers and gun people torturing me often and awful things having nightmares I can't even talk about and when I get stressed my vaginal itch gets worse and so does my heart murmur and palpations and headaches. that is how tortured I am.

i am dreaming about bombers and gun people torturing me often and awful things having nightmares I c...

i have worried i am dying or have a illness no doctor will tell me about. i don't want to live if my cat dies or if my mother dies. there will be no point to life. sometimes i torture myself with videos of bodies done up for coffins and morgue and crematory and how they pump out the blood to put in a fluid. what is the point of life with my cat or my mum. my bastard father had tried to kill us all with his smoking and his stupidity. i just stay in bed all day everyday for the last 7 years and sick of vomiting and headaches and doctors talking shit at me. and their lies and churches lies and they are stealers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4&list=RD4N3N1MlvVc4&start_radio=1 and everyone is scamming and the only winners are the hustlers. we are told to learn to get your hustle together to get work. yeh right. go shove a chainsaw up your face and cunt!

i have worried i am dying or have a illness no doctor will tell me about. i don't want to live if my...