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flert.....

AbuseStupidityBeing drunkSex
it happend a lot to me ... i flert with guys on msn or sms... we both know it will lead to SEX, but at the end i get cold feet and dont meet up with the guy... im too shy to do it... even if i r-e-a-l-y want the guy...
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I forgave kids who abuse me as a child long ago, being pushed and dunked in pools that made me afraid of water and when my friend drown and died. I accept my sister is not a nice person to me and same like my brother and his wife. I don't understand it but I just accept it and ignore them because mum said we have nothing in common at all with them or any of her family and my older cousins so I just accept it. there is some reason why my mother always wanted to keep me and her family apart. I accept it but she has to accept it now also! this is a world that people reap what they sow, so I was told. but I forgave the kids who abused me a long time ago. just put it behind me and accepted they were just kids too. yet people abuse me. I don't forgive that however. why should I and a few people at some churches said that "god is very angry about what happened to me" and "god has seen that you give to others and don't get much back in return, humans have not seen it but god has seen how used you have been and what a good spirit you have and god is going to deal with all your enemies and you don't even have to!"

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I am not so forgiving of young children today I sometimes am glad I have no children but when I do have my own children If ever I won't allow them to be like the kids I see and the kids that I was around. I wouldn't even let them be like me, I used to self cut and genital cutting is a shameful secret as a teen to do to myself as well as other things I was attacked as a teen. but that is me. I just don't like most kids of today probably because I never got to have children myself its hard for me to get excited and happy for others. because i have missed out on so much love and attention and genuine love and friends it is hard for me to get excited about stuff so a male therapist told me. he said I shouldn't curse myself and cuss myself so much for what I did as a child and teenager. that its normal to block people out when you have been sexually abused for a long long time and no one is listening and no one cares you do the same back. you look at faces and just feel nothing!

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for whatever it is worth even my uncle ron who bashed his wife and molested me and was annoying me sexually at my sisters wedding I cried when he died cuz I had known him for so long. I could see he was abused and I guess I felt like "oh well guess a ugly dog like me has to be grateful for a old fat violent bastard to notice god knows there are so many queens here in the men in this state not one of the queen poofter young men I went to university would notice me"??? confused????

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