I have always been a person who worries about things, worrying about the future is always on my mind since a kid, its getting worse as a I mature but I seen a mag with nigella saying "you can't worry about the future" and ever since that is all I do. worrying when and how I will die and if I can even lose weight, my mother and other older women have more confidence in me losing weight this time then I do. I find my confidence in other things now over physical image. all the disappointments I have been through I just don't appreciate which has led to a very negative view of life and expectations, I know there is no man waiting for me. I know I will never know what it feels like to find true love. I knew that as a child and teen, that is why I never looked hard because when you are born with ugly face and ugly red hair few people like you naturally or spontaneously and you learn to hate people back, I made a mistake allowing myself to believe rick really did like me when all he was doing was setting me up to abuse me and see me raped - that was his and kateys plan for me. I know I will never know how it feels to wear a pretty wedding dress and marry or have a baby like all the other young brides in my family - cousins and aunties and 2nd cousins who all got married young and were fussed after by some seriously quality teen males and I never had that and I don't care anymore. I just don't care anymore. I will probably end up a old street bag lady homeless by the age of 50 living under bridges and sad lonely failure that no friend will care for. and I accept that this is what other people wanted for me, for my mother as well. the royal family all this time have been trying to kill me and I hve to say I hated diana that she had to do all that pining death scene and outdo werners suicide with people mourning after a whore who had affairs everywhere and regun said so and she is probably behind isis with that perfume. did you see that pinic picture of her and charles near a car that says on the rego number plate- I kll - well it says it all. I hate them all. their ugly new babies becausse as if any of the royals are beautiful people they ugly physically the queen was ugly all her kids are ugly and awful people, kate is a ugly slut, her mother is ugly so its only possible their kids are ugly and that goes across the board with the lot of them. they are all ugly dirty motherfucking scum ripping off the rest of us. they are stealing lives and I wouldn't envy anyone marrying them because they will be hated anyway. no one is going to like them but their own trash. I wanted to be married when I was 23 or earilier and if I want to spit hate at people I will. especially to that dog fucking lot at bayside family christain church who are satanic clarvoyants and evil sick people - your a very abusive church. one day your gonna pay for your drugs and sexual abuse on women. one day someone is gonna do you right over for what you all are. fakers. its not a church you can really marry in. they are all weirdos. they are blasphemists preaching and only a hand few can now but thousands of millions will see later what you really are.