Possibly the worst thing I've ever done

Anyone seen the movie “Flatliners”? As a kid, we teased a girl who later suicided. When I was 12-14, (seventh-eigth grade) there was a girl in our class who was generally unpopular. She was a bit shy and basically quite unattractive. I was also having social problems at the time, and our school was very cliquey - you were either “in” or “out”. I was on the borderline at that point. Anyway, at some point, probably in eigth grade, I made up the nickname “Frieda” for this girl. It was based on the Aussie movie “Puberty Blues” where there is a character called “Frieda the Moll” who is generally disliked but has sex with all the guys. I was being a smart-arse and trying to get myself ahead by treading on those weaker than me, which I know is despicable (there may have been an element of that even in the nickname - when you watch the movie, you feel a lot of sympathy for Frieda and despise those who mock her). Anyway, the most popular girl in the class picked up on the name and encouraged others to tease her with it. I didn’t do much of the teasing, but I certainly was reponsible in having coined the name. At the end of eighth grade the girl left our school. Her brother was in the year below us at our school, and I guess I heard of her now and again. It doesn’t seem she fared that much better socially at her new school. A couple of years later (at the end of tenth grade), we heard that she had jumped off a cliff. Most of us were overseas on a school trip, so we only got the details later when we came back. There were rumours that her Dad always gave her a hard time, calling her ugly and useless and perhaps physically abusing her. I have no way of knowing if that is in the least bit true. Because I was o/s, I missed the funeral etc. and I have always felt that I have at the very least some contributary responsibility to her death. I don’t actually expect forgiveness, as those I need to ask it from are her and her family, and because death is so final, forgiveness is not really an option. I guess I will just always feel terrible about this, and so I should.
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so I defiantly went out today and bought some pink jeans and you make me fat one more time I am going to up and bloody murder a whole group of people starting with in my own house. I am sick of being everyones fat dog joke that can't find a husband when a nurse said to me the other day- from everything you have told me you been through with illness and rape and child sexual abuse for all those years and all your mother can do is expect you to sleep her bed clean her house have no friends or man, live like some pig and your father couldn't even been bothere to protect you from a pedo or these bashers, you been this pillar of strength for everyone around you and what about you? your 45 no kids, no husband, no job, no car no house never had a real boyfriend even fat shamed then thin shamed accused of being a gym junkie for 2 x a week light gentle exercise is not a ocd, and she said "you are a great person and don't like any one not any person convince you are shit and deserve to be abused or all this negative shit of joyce or rick or katy or ken or relatives, you're the one who has self sacrificed over and over watching and help people around you get dates and love and babies and when your sick who is there to help you? who is there to care for you when all your life you cared for others too dam much! your the one up worried about bills while your mother and father sleeps like a lamb" they aren't worried about who will care for them and when they are gone are they gonna care for you? you have to be selfish and make it clear to people you deserve a husband and a baby and get out of your way you mean business" and just attck them, bash them if you have to. these people abused you bashed you for no reason. they are to blame they should be made to fix the problem. " I never fucked up anyones like, I never went out of my way to ruin anyones like, sure I might have got angry and hurt and I am even more so today. my needs are not listened to and the nurse said I have to make people- so I will I will threated to murder and attack people if I have to. people did it to me so do it back!

so I defiantly went out today and bought some pink jeans and you make me fat one more time I am goin...