Degeneración....

i grew up hating feeling fat most of my teens and youth and young adult life I would yoyo weight a lot, put it on, lose it and not understand why. most of it was simply food and exercise but not really arranging time for exercise or planing senible eating routines til I was in my late 20s after at university. I hated being fat being called the fat red head ugly shy loser bitch etc. old fat maid and more. a fat dog, witch by tv news reporters when I was just 24 and so shy I hardly talked to anyone and was a virgin til 29 so never talked about sex with friends ever and would walk away due to sexual assault that I was in denial about. i lost weight and wanted to stay thin and everyone wanted me fat again. especially when I didn't like the married fat short bald man who raped me. lets get something straight right now- who ever it is implying I gave my aunty mary cancer has to be the sickest bastard out. how can a child do that, no one told me i had cancer dr staplebum ! and dr webster calling me old. yeh, so just because I was fat and am now and said I hate being fat, and hated a fat married old man with tattoos raping me you all decide to abuse me, well how about you all get abused see how it feels. yeh, while fat and thin I even said "oh yeh I hate fat people" how many times have you heard fat people say that, or people will say that about church people, or tv shows, jeans and banks or snobs or druggies or gays or blacks or asians or richbie cars, or red heads or whatever, they will all say "oh yeh I hate red heads" but they are red, or "I hate this or that" but they are exactly what they say they hate. so what you want to hold that against me too, because I am human. oh, but its ok for you to be human and make mistakes, yeh, its ok for a married man to rape a 29 year old virgin who was sexually abused for decades by a dirty old man and felt so fat and ugly and hated but its not ok for me to be human and say something contradictory and sarcastic or make a mistakes as a child but your so forgiven because your a man well, who do you think you are? which is the greater crime here. excuse me! but I will get over it and live but will you'all?

i grew up hating feeling fat most of my teens and youth and young adult life I would yoyo weight a l...

I know I'm overthinking things but I just need to get it out I have depression. No jokes, straight to the point; I attempted suicide last year and after some hospital stuff, here I am. I feel better now… at least better than how I was when I overdosed. I don't want to kill myself again, and I have tons more motivation and have been learning stuff from group therapy and just one on one therapy. I also take medication, though I don't really feel it's working as much as therapy. My parents aren't very good parents. They had me very young, when they were 21, and I never really got to do things I wanted to do, even if they did make sure to buy me a bike and things for Christmas and my birthday. It's not their fault that they didn't have enough money to pay for the ballet and piano lessons I wanted, but until age 11 I was an only child. Since there's not many relatives living in the same state as us I never really had close cousins and friends always moved away in the next year. My Mom has always treated me like a friend. I mean, she's my Mother, yes, but she just gives too much of her fucking opinion and unknowingly begins to brainwash me about things. My Dad has always been working too, and when he doesn't work we don't even spend time. When I was younger I even thought he was an alcoholic, but he's just a workaholic that parties all his stress out instead of spending time with his family. I know this is what I think about them and that it mostly isn't true, but holy shit why the fuck are they like this!? Now they're only like 37 years old and I'm 14, but I feel like in order for me to be happy there will have to be a LOT of changes made by the whole family. First, my stupid Mom needs to stop swearing so much because GODDAMN IT I DON'T WANT MY LITTLE SISTER TO THINK THAT SHE'S A "USELESS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT" WHEN SHE TURNS 9! HOLD YOUR DUMB ASS ANGER IN AND BE AN ADULT YOU BITCH! NOBODY CARES IF YOU CUSS AFTER STUBBING YOUR TOE BUT IT HAS TAKEN A LOT OF EFFORT TO HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS ON THINGS AND TELL MYSELF THAT NO, IT IS NOT FUCKING OKAY TO SAY BAD WORDS TO YOUR CHILD WHEN ANGERED! ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE YOUNG! Second, KEEP YOUR DAMNED OPINIONS TO YOURSELF, DEAR PARENTS! I'VE RESEARCHED AND I'VE LOOKED AND IT IS NOT HEALTHY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS ON SOMETHING! MOM, IF YOU THINK THAT GRANDMA IS A BAD GRANDMA, THEN GOOD FOR YOU! NO NEED TO SHOUT AT HOW FUCKING STUPID MY DAD IS FOR NOT STANDING UP TO HER! YES, I KNOW THAT SHE'S FORGOTTEN MY BIRTHDAY FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS AND I KNOW THAT SHE OBVIOUSLY FAVORS THE BOYS OVER THE GIRLS, BUT IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN IT COMES TO RANTING OUT YOUR FEELINGS!? I AM INTERNALLY SHOUTING AND IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD TO JUST RANT IT OUT HERE BECAUSE GODDAMN IT MOTHER, YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND! STOP IT! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY MOM THAT TELLS ME HOW TO DO THINGS, NOT SHAME ME FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO DO THEM! MY DAD TOO! THE STUPID FART TRIES TO CONTROL EVERYTHING I DO AND WEAR! EXCUSE ME, BUT I DO NOT DRESS LIKE A SLUT! IS IT BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA? BECAUSE MY B CUP BREASTS ARE JUST SOOOOOOOOOO LUSCIOUS TO THOSE BOYS WHOSE PARENTS HAVEN'T TAUGHT TO RESPECT OTHERS? I LIKE WEARING SHORT SHORTS BECAUSE WE FUCKING LIVE IN FLORIDA, YOU DUMBASS! MY ASS DOESN'T HANG OUT, I DON'T HAVE SKIN TIGHT SKIRTS, MY KNEES AND CALVES AND THIGHS AND ANKLES ARE NOT SEXY! HE WANTS ME TO BE HIS LITTLE GIRL FOREVER BUT BOI THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE BECAUSE HE'S NEVER HOME! WHY, WHY, WHY CAN'T HE JUST FUCKING CONSIDER THE FACT THAT PEOPLE SHOULD RESPECT MY BODY INSTEAD OF TELLING ME THAT THE DRESS IS TOO SHORT?! IT ISN'T SHORT! I DON'T WANT TO LOOK OLD, I DON'T EVEN CAKE MY FACE WITH MAKEUP! FATHER, IF YOU THINK THAT MY OUTFIT ISN'T PRESENTABLE TO BE WORN OUTSIDE KEEP IT TO YOUR FUCKING SELF! YES, TELL ME NO WHEN I'M BECOMING A BASIC BITCH AND WEARING STRIPPER CLOTHES TO THE HIGH SCHOOL HALLOWEEN PARTY, BUT DO NOT TELL ME THAT MY SHORTS ARE TOO SHORT BECAUSE I KNOW THEY ARENT! THEY'RE MY LEGS! NOTHING SEXY ABOUT THEM BECAUSE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE HAS NOOOOTTTHIIIIINNNNGG TO FUCKING DO WITH MY LEGS. IT'S MY VAGINA THAT NEEDS COVERAGE, AND IT'S INSIDE OF ME! I WILL RESPECT YOUR LIMITS BUT KEEP YOUR OPINION OF "OH YOU SHOULDN'T BUY THAT SHIRT" JUST BECAUSE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH FABRIC TO COVER MY ENTIRE FUCKING SHOULDER! The thing is, they're Asian, so they know how it feels to be compared to other kids YET THEY DO THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING TO ME! THEY THINK ABOUT HOW THEY WERE ALWAYS QUESTIONED WHY THEY DIDN'T GET ALL STRAIGHT A'S LIKE THEIR COUSIN BUT HERE THEY COME ASKING WHY I GOT A B IN MATH… UMM, BECAUSE WHENEVER I NEED HELP WITH MATH DAD ISN'T HOME AND MOM REFUSES TO HELP ME OR IS NO HELP BECAUSE SHE FUCKING SUCKS AT MATH AAAANNNDDD BECAUSE YA'LL WON'T HIRE A TUTOR OR JUST ONE SESSION? Yeah, I FUCKING wonder. They're liars too! They say "we'll do family dinner night again" yet we never do "because we were busy" WHEN WE WEREN'T! MY FUCKING THERAPIST TOLD YOU THAT SHE THINKS IT'LL BE GOOD TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME TOGETHER BUT MY MOTHER AND FATHER ARE JUST IGNORANT! THEY NEVER LET ME DO ANY ACTIVITIES OUT OF THE HOUSE EITHER! THEY TRY TO CONTROL EVERY LITTLE THING I DO AND IT SUCKS! I ASK TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT AND THEY DON'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING AND FORGET ALL ABOUT IT, I ASK TO TAKE ART LESSONS AND THEN WE NEVER CHECK IT OUT, I EVEN SIMPLY ASKED MY MOM TO DRIVE ME TO THE ART STORE AND IT TOOK ME ASKING HER LITERALLY THREE TIMES A DAY, EVER DAY FOR A WEEK AND A HALF TO GET HER TO ACTUALLY DRIVE ME THERE WHEN WE LEGIT DID NOTHING ALL DAY! I GOT MAD AT HER AND TOLD HER WHEN WE FINALLY GOT THERE THAT I WANTED SOME CLAY TO MAKE SOMETHING FOR MY AUNT AS A GRADUATION PRESENT SINCE SHE LIKES ART AND ALL I FUCKING GET IS AN "Oh." I DON'T YELL TO THEM BECAUSE, OH TYPICAL ASIAN FAMILY STYLE, WE NEED TO RESPECT OUR ELDERS YET MY MOM DOESN'T TREAT ME LIKE A DAUGHTER AND MY DAD IS RARELY HERE FOR ME TO RESPECT! I feel a lot better now and I will probably rant hundreds of more times. Oh, I've also almost become anorexic and bulimic because I felt a bit bad about my body, stumbled upon some disgusting pro ana sites, and then just got this high and happiness of being in control for once. I made a huge accomplishment of telling my therapist about it and she had to tell my parents because of how unhealthy it was and I've never disliked my parents so much. They acted like they understood, like they were actually going to help me. I remember my Dad asking me "So are they like actual voices you hear or..??" after my therapist told him about me telling her about hearing voices. Like, wtf? ASK THE THERAPIST, NOT ME! I FELT SO WEIRD AND DIFFERENT AND THEY UNDERSTAND NOTHING! NOTHING!!! I know they want to help me but they don't make it seem like it, even if i know inside that they do..

I know I'm overthinking things but I just need to get it out I have depression. No jokes, straight...

A problem. I'm pregnant. Just found out today, though I've been sure for a while. Probably four or five weeks along now. It's my ex-boyfriends. He left me recently to be with his baby's momma (he has an eight-month old son). In the past four or five weeks, I've had alcohol numerous times, smoked cigarettes consistantly, smoked a decent amount of bud, and blown a lot of coke. I know this is all bad for the baby- but I'm secretly hoping I'm going to have a miscarriage. I'm not going to stop smoking and I'm not going to stop doing drugs. I can't afford an abortion, but I can't have this baby either. I'm eighteen and starting school tomorrow. I really just can't. I'm sure I'm a bad person. But I'd be an even worse mother. I'm in no position to have a baby- I can barely take care of myself. In addition, my ex and I hate each other. I don't know. I can't tell anyone and I don't know what to do. Cocaine, cigarettes and alcohol all increase chances of miscarriages early on in pregnancy...so I'm hoping all three will be a sure-fire way of getting rid of this. I'm going to h***, I'm pretty sure.

A problem. I'm pregnant. Just found out today, though I've been sure for a while. Probably four or ...