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I'm a lesbian with a very low sexdrive. I don't masturbate and avoid girls who want to be in bed with me. I get in bed with guys every once in awhile, i don't enjoy it, i just keep doing it. It started when i was 13 and got in bed with a 21 yrs old guy who pressured me too much, and until this day i have an almost-instinctive fear of penetration. I'm scared of both girls and guys, so i always get in bed with guys i know i can fight off in the worst case. I let them touch me, i let them do what they want within the boundaries i set. I love it when they have beards like my father. I like the freedom of feeling out of control when they rub me under my underwear. They think i orgasm, truth is that i'm just sick of the whole situation so i stop reacting. The only good thing about them is that they hold me like my father used to do. I see each and every one of them as inferior. I like it when they talk, though i never reply. I don't know if i'll ever be in a real relationship. I'm so stupid, i don't know why i keep doing this.

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