I made a huge mistake falling for a doctor and a young police officer and this gym instructor and ambulance officer over the past few years and nothing ever happened sexually. This rarely or never get that far with me. I don't let myself believe in love much now days, for a long time. As I am getting older I don't want to share as much and if I won money or property or inherit I don't want to share a thing or marry to have a man take half of it and then I have no home to live. I just would rather if I did have a baby forget about marriage because that is for the special people, the anointed people, the beautiful people, the rich people etc. not for losers like me. I have to think of my own needs and make sure no man will take from me. its unlikely I will have a baby now I am too old to handle it probably lately its taking a lot to stay alive let alone the luxury of romance or career. I don't see a future for myself in much even after graduating from my diploma it means nothing to anyone. I would be crazy now to marry unless the guy was extra amazing and I don't think they exist anymore. I told a young cute guy with the calendars fireies to go sing to the birds i am not interested in naked man bs. in fact I just so wanted to be nasty to him and a complete bitch for every guy who has hurt me I thought he would make a good target and I often do that now, I did some shit to this black jerk yesterday who thought he was all that and a bag of cash (or whatever) but he wasn't hot to me or sorry but nope. after a few things you live and learn and I won't be fooled or moved emotionally now. I find a target and act nasty deliberately occasionally when I don't feel well because a lot of men did that to me or they just ignored me in the city a lot so I do that a lot, but some times there are guys who I could never do that to, like I seen this amputee young guy down the coast and was he sweet and nice looking. I came across a few surfers who were really nice young guys but they just look and smile so I do. I don't get carried away with them because they are way too young for me at 19 a bit too young. I don't want to share even if the guy had money of his own I don't know if it would be worth now. I don't want to be called a gold digger cuz that I aint. I would rather have got rich on my own or winnings or inheritance or work not through someone in marriage. I know my friend said its no one else's business if you find a younger man and you get on with him well don't listen to others. but young or old, with or without money is it worth it? I don't want to end up losing property. I could do with a young slave however if I did get rich. someone I could trust to clean things and move things for me. my wet dream is having a laundry of my own to wash in. I fantasize about sleep rarely sexual romance , whats the point anymore. see I have to talk myself out of it. I made a mistake giving my heart to way too many men and friends in the past and not going to so easily anymore. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dVnb8Dgyyk I made a huge mistake falling for a doctor and a young police officer and this gym instructor and ambulance officer over the past few years and nothing ever happened sexually. This rarely or never get that far with me. I tell myself now, "don't be fooled" after rick. I still run the other way when I see his name etc. sorry but that is life.