Sometimes I feel so depressed because I am different from everyone around me - I am a good student and I get along with the majority of people. I am always polite but, sometimes I feel like I am stupid if I can not get something right the first time and I hate myself for it. I hate that I am different from everyone else - I am the only person I know who doesn't care about fashion as much and their appearance and it's really infuriating when everyone puts so much emphasis on their appearance but I want to deep down. I don't think I'm gay because I don't have lust for them I imagine what it would be like to be them. I like mens looks more, I just get inspired by women who know how to fashion well ( I want to improve my looks and body, hair and skin). Sometimes I just hate myself for being so different!

I've never met my father and from what my mum told me he was really mean. I am normally a nice girl, I'm shy and a bit anti social (though it was worse when I was younger) in the sense that I prefer hanging out by myself and staying at home than going outside or being with anyone else. But sometimes I feel like being mean. I do restrain it because I know I'll get in trouble and considering my reputation at school if I lose my friends then I'll suffer (when we have to work in pairs), it's already at a point that they only choose me if none of their other friends are there (It's my fault, I only talk to them that much in class anyway) so if I do something mean to them they'll all start ignoring me. I think I got that mean streak from my father because even before I knew about him I felt like this. Every time one of my friends has a secret, I wanna know, which is natural but when I do I just feel like telling everyone or a specific person if it's a crush or similar. I did this once before where my friend told me she liked a guy and I told this girl in Maths and the guy also sat on our table so he heard it. He thought it was a joke and after that he knew she wasn't joking. My friend found out but forgave me and said if I ever do it again she hate me. A part of me was happy she gave me another chance because I already ruined it for her by the guy knowing (and it not being a joke like he thought) and I felt sick at having those thoughts. I used to do it a lot in primary school and I loved it because even though I got told off I was never seriously reprimanded by my mum. I hate it now because I can't get away with any of that, those were my thoughts at the start of secondary school. Believe me, it's not something that I proud of. It's like those shows where there's the angel and the devil. When I get like this I take pleasure in seeing the people close to me suffer, my friends. Never my family. It's wrong and I know I should do therapy or something but my mum would never take me seriously as I didn't grow up influenced by my father and I don't want to lose this part of me. I like it. And that's what scares me the most.

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