some days I used to think "well if I die today I die, so long as I feed my cats" after the car accident and different times I was sick with heart problems and they always paint things over at the cardiologist as "its all great so why aren't you smiling?" you can't attack and abuse people for decades and give them an anti-depressant to smile when the abuse is always there, no releif from her abuse and so on, I won't expect anyone to love or care for me ever again. I don't want abusive people around me which is why I left those abusive violent churches that talk spew violence in biblical form also. i just don't want to be around idiots playing games anymore. I accept I will never marry or have children. I have wondered if I will have a short life a lot even in my twenties that was on my mind a lot. I knew it was just me, no one was ever gonna care about this ugly dog loser young thin pretty old or fat clever or dumb, I was always ment to be unloved. some people have all the fun and luck while others dont. I hated everything david bowie and his dirties did to me, those choirs. the church idiots, the doctors and dull evil ambulance wankers not even people. my cats shit is better then them.