I felt really deprived today with out my 3x 750ml of water before lunch just to go to the eye specialist. who would have thought I would have ended up a complete sot laying in bed drinking down bottles of water all day studying cramming that much study in like a freak? It started with kidney ultrasounds and bloodtests having to drink a lot of water and I have to drink double to everyone else to thin my blood down to get any thing out in a blood test, I just freak out all the time and cry if my viens collapses often and if I get blood takers who are not confident it annoys me, I need ones who are really confident and then I don't feel it as bad. I have to say I do sometimes feel better afterwards with blood tests but I can't cope with just getting out 2 lots so I have wanted to give blood its so important to give blood to the blood bank but I worry about things with my blood. when I had the ear infections it was awful I couldn't drink water and would have to drop supply down and suffer it out and it was painful on my kidneys and I thought I was going to die several times. dying is not an easy thing to do. its scary I hope I die in my sleep when I am old and die quick not slow, the fear drives you nuts. I can't handle the whole thing we just avoid it, I have said I do worry I could die before my mum and worry for my cats to be looked after, but I am a water freak, I can down 7 or more of 750ml water plus tea and other things. I go to the toilet for something to do. but I have been trying to pee out a kidney stone and its shit awful. you have drink lots of lemon or lime. I need ambulance people who know the f what they are doing especially with my chest and heart pain and I am not making things up . I don't understand why it seems to get better when I am around hospital or doctors or heart monitors and then as soon as its gone I am freaking out, I can't stand heart racing and pain or slow heart rate its painful.

I felt really deprived today with out my 3x 750ml of water before lunch just to go to the eye specialist. who would have thought I would have ended up a complete sot laying in bed drinking down bottles of water all day studying cramming that much study in like a freak? It started with kidney ultrasounds and bloodtests having to drink a lot of water and I have to drink double to everyone else to thin my blood down to get any thing out in a blood test, I just freak out all the time and cry if my viens collapses often and if I get blood takers who are not confident it annoys me, I need ones who are really confident and then I don't feel it as bad. I have to say I do sometimes feel better afterwards with blood tests but I can't cope with just getting out 2 lots so I have wanted to give blood its so important to give blood to the blood bank but I worry about things with my blood. when I had the ear infections it was awful I couldn't drink water and would have to drop supply down and suffer it out and it was painful on my kidneys and I thought I was going to die several times. dying is not an easy thing to do. its scary I hope I die in my sleep when I am old and die quick not slow, the fear drives you nuts. I can't handle the whole thing we just avoid it, I have said I do worry I could die before my mum and worry for my cats to be looked after, but I am a water freak, I can down 7 or more of 750ml water plus tea and other things. I go to the toilet for something to do. but I have been trying to pee out a kidney stone and its shit awful. you have drink lots of lemon or lime. I need ambulance people who know the f what they are doing especially with my chest and heart pain and I am not making things up . I don't understand why it seems to get better when I am around hospital or doctors or heart monitors and then as soon as its gone I am freaking out, I can't stand heart racing and pain or slow heart rate its painful.
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I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But looking at me you would never know. People are catching on as my life falls apart. I've been living like a quadruple life I guess. I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't think of anything I like. I hate everything and everyone. I have no friends left, the women of my life cheated lied and stole the entire time I've known them. Most of my buddies too. Just users you know. I always offer too much and people gladly accept my generosity. I always try and help but it eventually becomes them being entirely dependent on me. Then they go and I've lost so much in them. I never see the fruits of my labours. Now I'm totally alone. And financially ruined. Relying on booze and drugs to feel better about the shitty person I am. I pray to god thanking him only, not asking for more. He still rewards me a lot. Gives me great opportunity and strength to conquer challenges. But I can't conquer myself. I want to end my life. Nobody would notice except the few leeches who still cling to my generosity. Everybody I've helped is doing great. I never took time to take care of myself, or set myself up better. My friends, wife, in laws, girlfriends, and associates have all benefitted greatly from my efforts but I'm fucked mentally physically and financially. I even still protect people after they betray me. Keep their secrets, bend to their requests. I'm going to blow my brains out. I hate this world, it's ruined anyway. Goodby you fucked up people. There's a good chance that there is someone in your life going through this who helped you a lot. I bet you won't even reach out to repay what's owed. Sick fucking society world wide.

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