I wish I had more exciting company and food right now

he thinks he loved me, but i don't love him. so i guess its like he loves me more then i could ever have loved him but if you had seen the sex and the bs you would understand why i couldn't tolerate him or love him. no woman could have after that bs.

he thinks he loved me, but i don't love him. so i guess its like he loves me more then i could ever ...

i do find it hard to be mean or rude to people and its hard when a therapist or support group is literally telling you to be rude to people who have wronged you but no harder then trying to forgive, which is harder and i have to work really hard on that. i don't feel comfortable forgiving people much now compared to when I was young. when I was young I forgave more because that was what we were taught with catholic nuns all the time we were punished if we didn't forgive and be nice no matter how nasty they were to us. now its like. I can't be that holy. sorry god, but i am just human and i would forgive if more good things had of come my way like jobs and social status and income and love and children etc. all those things that make us feel like we matter and that we are good people. when I was young I thought I would be rewarded for being so holy with gifts from god and I would seek revenge with success and love within my groups that never came so I am more sour now. i don't have an excuse to be polite too often, or to tolerate much. i mean only a drunk can really tolerate the company of another drunk, and I am not really a party person and learnt that young being humiliated as a child at parties made me less trusting. I only trust in selective times and not much, not often. I have forgotten what that and love is for, i have had to be mean and harsh to gain back things i lost and I don't like myself for the fact that i am harsher on people and cruel and have no problem dobbing people in and labelling people who have lied and abused me in my past and who have wronged me. I am very vocal now and my doctor says that is good. I don't have a problem calling police on people either. I can give orders and take them. i would make a good cop i think. better then most.

i do find it hard to be mean or rude to people and its hard when a therapist or support group is lit...

my doctor told me to tell sally off, so I gave her all I had and ripped into her. I didn't like doing it. but it let out some pent up anger in me over old women like her shutting me down all my life and making me feel less and stopping me getting with men i like. so I gave it to her as my doctor told me to. I just did want he said to do. i don't know if it was good or helped me. i even told people to F off, i mean at 43 to be telling choir conductor i admired for her talent only not for the awful person she is, was contriversal and hard but I was about survival not about ego which all of them were about making their CD and I liked making the CD choir religious songs a lot. I just occassionally get angry. like the night the stupid railway woman blew the whistle for the child. i mean railway protocol is that the whistle be blown on when it is ment to be not for a child indulgences and besides she should have seen my father fell out of the train. so I yelled at her i had to to get her to hear me. I had to be strong and i got cranky. a rule is a rule for a reason and no other reason. that is what i was taught in law. i have some eye and hearing problems and yet my general vision pre-dervision or what ever has a wider expressive stance to her and I am ultra alert and hyper-vigilent to awareness and what is going on around me, I should have been a cop or security person cuz I can see in the corner of my eye, you learn to have eyes in the back of your head when you on alarm for danger most of your life. I had to make my point clear to someone who should not be holding down a job, you do it right or you don't do it at all. I could do the job better but I don't care to as I have never had a role in a job with power to give orders and I am a humble person basically. but don't get on the wrong side of me.

my doctor told me to tell sally off, so I gave her all I had and ripped into her. I didn't like doin...