I have been dealing with chronic pain for a long time now and on pain meds for almost a year with prior issues with pain meds. However, this time, after finishing a 10 year treatment, I thought I could safely take the pain meds but only to find out it is hard not take something when I hurt all the time; and sometimes I hurt even after I take it. I am stuck between needing something to curtail the pain and do not want to be on something I have to rely on for a long time or the rest of my life. I feel my next dr appointment, if I choose to go, at the pain clinic will be my last because of keep coming up empty a couple days early... Also the last appointment I asked dr about going up on dose but the dr said there are changes coming that will slow down a lot of people who are on pain medicine so the dr prefers to keep me at the current level... I am seriously thinking about not even going to the appointment.

I haven't been sexually attractive and never felt turned on by the men who have done me over. for the last few years it feels like a chore and honestly just too much work to be intimate or flirt because of so much abuse I have had to endure, and anytime I have been in love - right even before it even started into a half close relationship I wish that it was over and I don't want to end up with a bad guy again who was a user and I never liked him at all . I have to use my imagination to feel turned on now days because I fear what men might realy think of me and its never been good in bed especailly with the wrong person well it never feels right. currently working on improving my confidence alone and finding a real relationship but overall, even emotionally, I don't think When I've told people that I feel its a I would be a chore and bother to any man and most are to me unless they move quick to me and I meet too many losers, we don't address it enough in therapy and with understanding and in the end I feel like no one understands how lonely its been and no intimacy because its been what others wanted all the time over my own needs. I have always been a door mat and people who were supposed to help didn't. I have never had sexual confidence about myself that is my biggest issue that I don't know how to see myself. I have always seen myself as too old too fat too stupid too short too dumb. I tend to put my personal value on the quality of men that are interested in me and most of them have been old 70 or weird bricklayers or the last one looked like an escapee druggy from jail, I have never liked beards or long hair on men or smokers or people who over do the alcohol because to me 1 glass a month is an alcoholic. when I was thin old me of 70 were honestly thinking I would see them as a catch- no way! the one that raped me really saw himself as a catch - like are you joking with me? and I am sick of men not listening and learning the lesson quick with me. why would I want to go out with some brick laying druggy with no education, because I don't want to. this has awlays confused me, its like when I was a teen my uncle molesting me it looked like - well imagine putting hulk hogan with say, julia guildard. yeh, it doesn't really fit right. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHGGGrr I am sick of this. Its only building my hate and distrust more and more and making my mother hate people who didn't help me enough. she feels betrayed on my behalf. so do others I have told this to.

I haven't been sexually attractive and never felt turned on by the men who have done me over. for...

I am training for marathon at my college in what I call "Sheepshire" I will leave it to your imagina...

I feel bad because I just had a snack with some fresh plums and cheese and some of these caramel pop...