toilet flood

I feel so so sad that I could cope with being there for sabi when she died. I truely wanted to be. I wanted to hold her in my arms but the longer I stayed the more she got upset in another room without me and they let me see her in a humidity crib and and she was struggling some much to breath and her heart was going on her the more I got upset and I had to say good bye to her. I felt so awful I haven't stopped hating the world and hating people since she died. hating everyone who has abused me when I was sick for so long even before hospital visits all the time I knew something was wrong because I came home from the gp one day and my legs were really weak and I thought god I am gonna die. I don't regret getting simeon who is related to sabby and I love him. he would sleep in my arms when I was sick every day til I was like too sick and I smelt bad and he wouldn't come near me. I knew someone was trying to kill me, and simeon got sick and the vet had to give him daily injections of electrolites and I cried a lot. I don't understand why i have never been good enough for any man and why I have attracted losers who act stupid and fat and bullying and yobo when that is not me. I struggle a lot with back pain, chest pain and brain/ear pain. I worry about tumors all the time there is not a day I am not worried about my health. I don't even believe pathology results or much the doctors tell me. I struggle some days breathing and its like my brain does literally forget to breathe - a lot of people don't understand this. its like sleep paralysis and i sometimes wake with chest pain moaning in pain or feels like I m having a seisure in my sleep and can't move and I am calling out "help me help me" I can open my eyes but can't move, then the depression hits, I still hate early mornings since being ill seeing a sunrise as the ambulance took me into the hospital at that ugly big hosptial in the city was so creepy deathly. I don't want to experience that ever again.

I feel so so sad that I could cope with being there for sabi when she died. I truely wanted to be. I...

i can't think about death, I won't listen to talk about people dead on tv and I just walk away. I can't cope with it. people can't cope and help me so I can't help and cope with others. its as simple as that. spent all my life being there as a strength for others mind always alert to emergency health issues and all my mother can do is hell at me ever since the car accident I complain about chest pain. she yells and gets angry at me or she will sleep sound as a baby - its happy its got her daughters life fucked up and messed up don't worry, I wake in pain and she doesn't want to know about it. I am a burden to her with my health and pain and she attacks me for being ill or in pain. only she can get sick. not me. I have no rights to be loved, have a baby, have a husband I love, a job, a house of my own, so she can relive her youth and its driving me insane. I don't know why I am being forced to suffer this out. I don't want to live out my diary I wrote 25 years ago. I shouldn't have to wait for my parents to die before I am good enough for a white man to marry me. i am sick of this. my family are killing me. my neighbors are killing me. everyone is killing me by not allowing me my life! a job a husband a house of my own, friends. I am sick of haivng to be last on the list to make everyone else feel better when I am more deserving then them.

i can't think about death, I won't listen to talk about people dead on tv and I just walk away. I ca...

I was 19 after the car accident and I would get server heart pain just out of the blue with jaw and arm and vien pain and I would tell my mum and all she would do is yell and get violent and get angry at me, that is all she knows or she just feels nothing like nothing matters. she would attack me for being sick and I don't understand it. its not normal for a parent to be that way. I think its aspie autistic and abusive. I couldn't do that to my child, but I guess that is why I could never tell her about bill molesting me when I was young. no one mattered but rose in the family. I have spent the last 45 years of my life with my older sister abusing me, she would not even allow my mother to come to the baby ward to see me. its not normal. my sister spits hate at me all the time and I want someone to make her stop it and she needs to be told by someone I need love to. she keeps getting married all the time and she gets sex she has to learn to see me being loved and learn to live with it. I had to see her being loved and she needs to learn to allow her sister to be loved and stop trying to kill me. she threw sawdust in my eyes as a child and my brother and his wife have done satanic violence on me as well that is why we want nothing to do with them. my parents want nothing to do with my brother and his whore wife, that dirty whore- I knew that whore was trouble. I just knew joyce would support anyone but me she is so mentally ill.

I was 19 after the car accident and I would get server heart pain just out of the blue with jaw and ...