i did wonder if i had mad cow disease or huntingtons. i really don't know. i guess i have to trust the doctors but i don't.

i did wonder if i had mad cow disease or huntingtons. i really don't know. i guess i have to trust the doctors but i don't.

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i feel so worried i have done the wrong thing all the time. i am always regreting most things i do. i signed up to do some short courses but they are not easy. already i feel broken down and financially busted. i hate the admin course already and how its set up and don't understand it. i have a thing against some courses and i just hope it will be easier then it looks. i like some challenge but not that much challenge that is it impossible to win. oh, and i wondered if they would misunderstand and start up their biker games again. please go away. i am just consern with survival. my body just worries about surviving. my mind just worries about surviving, my heart only worries about surviving. i am not interested in love at all. i am not interested in beauty and marriage. i have no survival to worry about for the rest of my life. so just please go away. no one wants you here. after a near death experience I just don't care about relationships ever again. as much as i want love my family is what matters to me. just survival is all i can't put my mind and body to. don't expect much else out of me. all i want to do now is party and have cruise ship holidays and change my world around. yeh i study but i will never be a someone or anyone. i was put in the tard corner young. i can't make employers want to give me a job or a nice guy to like me. i have given up on that since i turned 25- 34 i was pushed on the scrap heap everywhere more so since turning 40 and i just want to party hard without alcohol or drugs or sex or worry of kids unless i find the right person. i sometimes think about adopting children but i don't have money and like i say "who would want me now?" it doesn't even matter anymore. i gave up all my goals and dreams because others gave up on me too soon, and they didn't return the goodness and well wishes i gave to so many. all i got was shit and insults and bullying and deadwishes on me since a child. i don't forgive so easily over all this.

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