Possibly the worst thing I've ever done

Anyone seen the movie “Flatliners”? As a kid, we teased a girl who later suicided. When I was 12-14, (seventh-eigth grade) there was a girl in our class who was generally unpopular. She was a bit shy and basically quite unattractive. I was also having social problems at the time, and our school was very cliquey - you were either “in” or “out”. I was on the borderline at that point. Anyway, at some point, probably in eigth grade, I made up the nickname “Frieda” for this girl. It was based on the Aussie movie “Puberty Blues” where there is a character called “Frieda the Moll” who is generally disliked but has sex with all the guys. I was being a smart-arse and trying to get myself ahead by treading on those weaker than me, which I know is despicable (there may have been an element of that even in the nickname - when you watch the movie, you feel a lot of sympathy for Frieda and despise those who mock her). Anyway, the most popular girl in the class picked up on the name and encouraged others to tease her with it. I didn’t do much of the teasing, but I certainly was reponsible in having coined the name. At the end of eighth grade the girl left our school. Her brother was in the year below us at our school, and I guess I heard of her now and again. It doesn’t seem she fared that much better socially at her new school. A couple of years later (at the end of tenth grade), we heard that she had jumped off a cliff. Most of us were overseas on a school trip, so we only got the details later when we came back. There were rumours that her Dad always gave her a hard time, calling her ugly and useless and perhaps physically abusing her. I have no way of knowing if that is in the least bit true. Because I was o/s, I missed the funeral etc. and I have always felt that I have at the very least some contributary responsibility to her death. I don’t actually expect forgiveness, as those I need to ask it from are her and her family, and because death is so final, forgiveness is not really an option. I guess I will just always feel terrible about this, and so I should.
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heathers advice caused me a lot of problems telling me to spend every afternoon pleasuring myself, all through my 20s, 30s and most of my 40s, as if that queer ugly had such grand advice for what she was doing was like I was on parole with her at russos and none of it made sense. I didn't want to see her and everytime I did have to or have to go to russo I would pretend I was someone else to hide the pain, the dread of going there and always being told your never good enough for 10 years really mentally effected me. I was not allowed a boyfriend, or to work because they got money to keep me on their books, so it all sounds strange. but so immoral and isn't about time someone other then me paid. like I really think these assholes should be punished, the sad thing is everywhere, for years everyone knows that the bad people and the bullies are winning in this world for the last 17 or 25 years it's the bullies who have won over the abused. I wish I had the guts to be a bully and bitch and I wish someone would help me be a winner. anyway, I think heathers advice was dumb, she gave me no choice because I was not even allowed a massage while seeing her, I was not allowed new clothes, or perfume or outings my life was around russos and her for 5 years and russos 5 years before that. we were to look for 20 plus jobs a week and show them the sheets of jobs and phone numbers we had contacted, we were not allowed relationships or dates out, we were not allowed sex or marriage or babies, I can't work out how russos were allowed to get away with this. why this crazy spastic ugly butchy dog old witch bitch was allowed to pick and choose who she bullied and she bullied a lot of people there. the woman is a nutcase. she should be locked up in a padded cell or something. crazed mad woman from hell. some imported greazy slag from lebinon that should be up on human rights abuse charges. when will it happen?

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