like my relatives are probably just laughing at my illnesses and abuse issues, that is all they ever did was laugh at us, they made fun of my sister at her wedding reception and yet when its them its like "you have to be quiet and be thoughtful and so understanding" they are suffering and all this poor them you have to be like "I am so sorry you going through this" and show them love and yet when anything bad happens to me like being bashed or attacked just walking to university or the car accidents and the child sexual abuse or date rape - its all one big joke to them. sue laughs at others and yet we were all considerate to her about her childrens disabilities etc same with other relatives, they think its funny that I don't have a husband and they ruined my life and career and health and think its all one big joke, I can't relate to that. to me that is satanic. its just evil. that is why mum said I don't have to forgive them for what they did and how they didn't help me when I was being abused as a child and some of them knew. or with later stuff. mum said i don't have to forgive them.

I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But looking at me you would never know. People are catching on as my life falls apart. I've been living like a quadruple life I guess. I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't think of anything I like. I hate everything and everyone. I have no friends left, the women of my life cheated lied and stole the entire time I've known them. Most of my buddies too. Just users you know. I always offer too much and people gladly accept my generosity. I always try and help but it eventually becomes them being entirely dependent on me. Then they go and I've lost so much in them. I never see the fruits of my labours. Now I'm totally alone. And financially ruined. Relying on booze and drugs to feel better about the shitty person I am. I pray to god thanking him only, not asking for more. He still rewards me a lot. Gives me great opportunity and strength to conquer challenges. But I can't conquer myself. I want to end my life. Nobody would notice except the few leeches who still cling to my generosity. Everybody I've helped is doing great. I never took time to take care of myself, or set myself up better. My friends, wife, in laws, girlfriends, and associates have all benefitted greatly from my efforts but I'm fucked mentally physically and financially. I even still protect people after they betray me. Keep their secrets, bend to their requests. I'm going to blow my brains out. I hate this world, it's ruined anyway. Goodby you fucked up people. There's a good chance that there is someone in your life going through this who helped you a lot. I bet you won't even reach out to repay what's owed. Sick fucking society world wide.

I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But loo...

I got the message today with Js so I am looking for someone else. Js doesn't want me so I will find ...

Well your a big man, in charge of a family, suck it up, don't show any weakness. Yeah right... fuck ...