i never said I was perfect I have made mistakes, I trusted the wrong people, I was gullible and I got angry a lot in private and self harmed, I sexually mutialed my own genitals for being such a dog cow ugly child to let that dirty old drunk near me, i used to swear and copy him I still swear when I am angry and I have to stop myself often. I want sex from someone I love because I am sick of giving sex to people i hate and don't love, which is what the pedo made me do and I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be wiser. I did silly things like everyone does, came home late a few times I shouldn't have, ran away and came back, stole once or twice to get attention as a little child, or I just liked the flower and wanted it. It took me a while to learn to appreciate things rather then needed to control them or own them as a child. I wanted to pretty and loved as a teen, I went through a craving to have a baby as a teen and grew out of it cuz i was so ugly no boys would date me and i threw myself into what study i could cope with, I dropped out and failed as much as i have succeeded without a doubt. I have said things I wish I had not. I made choices I wish I had not, mostly on dumb peoples advice oddly enough. I was dumb enough to trust their dumb mentally ill advice til I found out it was not all they were making out. I have thrown things and the worst was when I threw a cushion at my cat for peeing on me on the bed and a few weeks later she had back issues and I felt so guilty. its like the time I got angry at one of my cats she wouldn't move off the dining table and a few days later we found out she had cancer and I felt so guilty. and another cat I went to wash him off and hose water from being in the hot sun the water came out too hot and burnt him and he got urinarian tract infection and died, I felt so guilty and blamed myself like i had to be the one that bought home swine flu and i left the towel on the wet floor to mop up a slip and my grandfather fell over lucky he didn't break anything but I felt so guilty I really didn't think he would walk around there, I made a few mistakes at work cutting a few corners to do jobs quick, I struggled to pay bills and got drunk as a 1 pot screamer its not half easy so I just gave up alcohol completely. I told my sister I am not enjoying the passionpop anymore it makes me sick, and i had a sweet sherry in a small glass one night got sick and never again! I drank at an office party and I knew not one guy gave a shit about me that I liked. all these idiots followed me around who were just dull annoying yobos and I never liked military men or people at all. I just don't really like the whole rambo non-sense they go on with.