I am never looking at a man ever again particularly a few and I am inlove with a young women who is getting married and I am a older women, what the hell should I do? I love her she is so pretty and I can't see me ever marrying or finding love or having children, so I wish I could get with this girl which it sounds crazy she is about 20 years younger then me but I just woke up and realised nothing is ever again going to work right for me and there is no point trying to make it work. I love her. and its a difficult situation to be in but life is not going to go how I want it to. my pride is too wounded and I even am considering not going on the internet ever again for anything. its a useless thing that helps no one get jobs or relationships or friends. who is the internet really helping ? no one.

I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But looking at me you would never know. People are catching on as my life falls apart. I've been living like a quadruple life I guess. I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't think of anything I like. I hate everything and everyone. I have no friends left, the women of my life cheated lied and stole the entire time I've known them. Most of my buddies too. Just users you know. I always offer too much and people gladly accept my generosity. I always try and help but it eventually becomes them being entirely dependent on me. Then they go and I've lost so much in them. I never see the fruits of my labours. Now I'm totally alone. And financially ruined. Relying on booze and drugs to feel better about the shitty person I am. I pray to god thanking him only, not asking for more. He still rewards me a lot. Gives me great opportunity and strength to conquer challenges. But I can't conquer myself. I want to end my life. Nobody would notice except the few leeches who still cling to my generosity. Everybody I've helped is doing great. I never took time to take care of myself, or set myself up better. My friends, wife, in laws, girlfriends, and associates have all benefitted greatly from my efforts but I'm fucked mentally physically and financially. I even still protect people after they betray me. Keep their secrets, bend to their requests. I'm going to blow my brains out. I hate this world, it's ruined anyway. Goodby you fucked up people. There's a good chance that there is someone in your life going through this who helped you a lot. I bet you won't even reach out to repay what's owed. Sick fucking society world wide.

I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But loo...

I got the message today with Js so I am looking for someone else. Js doesn't want me so I will find ...

Well your a big man, in charge of a family, suck it up, don't show any weakness. Yeah right... fuck ...