i need so much help I don't know where to begin ? or who to ask?

I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But looking at me you would never know. People are catching on as my life falls apart. I've been living like a quadruple life I guess. I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't think of anything I like. I hate everything and everyone. I have no friends left, the women of my life cheated lied and stole the entire time I've known them. Most of my buddies too. Just users you know. I always offer too much and people gladly accept my generosity. I always try and help but it eventually becomes them being entirely dependent on me. Then they go and I've lost so much in them. I never see the fruits of my labours. Now I'm totally alone. And financially ruined. Relying on booze and drugs to feel better about the shitty person I am. I pray to god thanking him only, not asking for more. He still rewards me a lot. Gives me great opportunity and strength to conquer challenges. But I can't conquer myself. I want to end my life. Nobody would notice except the few leeches who still cling to my generosity. Everybody I've helped is doing great. I never took time to take care of myself, or set myself up better. My friends, wife, in laws, girlfriends, and associates have all benefitted greatly from my efforts but I'm fucked mentally physically and financially. I even still protect people after they betray me. Keep their secrets, bend to their requests. I'm going to blow my brains out. I hate this world, it's ruined anyway. Goodby you fucked up people. There's a good chance that there is someone in your life going through this who helped you a lot. I bet you won't even reach out to repay what's owed. Sick fucking society world wide.

I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But loo...

I got the message today with Js so I am looking for someone else. Js doesn't want me so I will find someone else to admire with my girlfriends and go out and have an all nighter soon with them and find someone else. I am glad I never told Js but its over. nothing but a little pride hurt and looking for someone new now.

I got the message today with Js so I am looking for someone else. Js doesn't want me so I will find ...

Well your a big man, in charge of a family, suck it up, don't show any weakness. Yeah right... fuck that shit ! What a big Humanity joke that is. us guys have been holding in so much and not allowed to appear soft around the edges. Everything inside our very being is held in so much that we explode one day or another. Who the hell invented the idea that all men need to hold in so much and be a man. Men have feelings... that's my new book. I think all menly things need revising to truly strengthen us. To hell with panty ass little men name calling. lets get this all out in the open and strengthen, not place men in catigories. need to all work together and make the country great !

Well your a big man, in charge of a family, suck it up, don't show any weakness. Yeah right... fuck ...